Truth

The truth is difficult, always.

 

Who really wants to know that the world is not the place of sunshine and light that we thought it was when we were kids?

 

Who really wants to know that most people wouldn’t stop to give you the time of day, much less help someone in need?

 

Who really wants to know that your boss doesn’t think nearly as highly of you as you think he/she does?

 

Who really wants to know that the work that they do will mean absolutely nothing next year/10 years from now/100 years from now?

 

Who really wants to know that their great-great grandchildren won’t know any more about them than their names in all likelihood?

 

Even more difficult is telling yourself the truth, especially when you don’t want to know that it’s the truth.

 

Do you want to tell yourself that you aren’t quite as charming as you think you are so you can work on it? (No, I’m a lady/man killer)

 

Do you want to tell yourself that you aren’t in the same shape you were when you were 20? (No, still in great shape)

 

Do you really want to tell yourself that you didn’t get the promotion because you weren’t smart/good enough (No, it was politics, I swear)

 

Do you really want to tell yourself that you are racist/bigoted? (No, I have many diverse friends, I just can’t name any right now)

 

Do you really want to tell yourself that perhaps your life isn’t what you thought it was? (No, I have the perfect wife/husband, the perfect job, the perfect house)

 

Yet we all tell ourselves these lies on a daily basis. And it cheapens our existence. The old adage is really the truth: The truth shall set you free.

 

It’s scary to tell yourself the truth, but without it you can NEVER grow. You can wear sunglasses every day to block out the glare from the truth, but you will NEVER see all the colors that are out there.

 

You will grow old and wonder where your youth went.

 

You will grow old and wonder why you have been with the same boring person doing the same boring things every day/week/month/year. (That answer is simple…..it’s easy, it’s safe, it’s what everyone wants you to do)

 

 

SO…………stand up. Challenge yourself. Tell yourself the truth, and if you find you can’t figure it out, ask someone. Everyone knows at least ONE person that sees the truth and isn’t afraid to tell you what it is. Value those people, seek their counsel. They are the few in this world that can help you be what you really want to be……… HAPPY.

Center

So I’ve been feeling very centered recently. That’s really the best way to put it.

 

I’m happy with where I’m at in life at the moment. I feel confident I’m on the right path, and that I have some purpose.

 

I feel downright philosophical recently, and I think it’s all justified and positive.

 

I’ve got what feels like a long post coming soon, but not quite yet. I’m a little pressed for time since I have an acquaintance unexpectedly stopping by.

Home

Home safe, good flights today. It was really weird to spend Easter traveling, as we usually do something home cooked for Easter.

Today was California Pizza Kitchen at the Palm Beach International Airport.

Oh well. I'm ready to get back to work I think. I'm ready for a few conversations I think too.

I'll be busy this week and next I think.

Disappointed

Well, I was hoping not to have to write something like this on vacation but............

 

So I came down to vacation with a full bottle of prescription pain pills (40) for my foot. I really needed them on the way down, the flight was excruciating. So, I used a few on the way down, then I stopped, tried not to use any.

 

I noticed on Monday that there seemed to be too few in the bottle, but chalked it up to just not knowing what I had taken. I had 10 left on Tuesday morning, and I resolved to save them for the ride home on the plane.

 

I took none Tuesday, none Wednesday, none today.

 

I checked the bottle tonight. There are 2 left in the bottle.

 

The worst part is this. I know who took them. (Since it's only family on vacation, those reading this know who I am talking about) And my mother doesn't believe me, she thinks I took them myself and am making excuses.

 

I know I'm not crazy, and I know I'm right. And he won't admit it. And because he's got a child, he's instantly more credible than I am.

 

What fucking bullshit. They can get the fuck out of my house, and I will have another person that I no longer speak to. It's unspeakable to take medication from someone that actually needs to have it. And HE FUCKING KNOWS THAT.

 

Yes, I'm incredibly angry, and yes I'd send him through a goddamn wall if my parents were not here right now.

Pic-o-pic

Three wildlife pictures today. The top is the nest of a mated pair of Osprey. The middle is a gopher tortoise in his next. The last is an Osprey in flight.

Note on the Osprey: When we first started coming here they were majorly endangered, and we were lucky if we saw any. There were perhaps 4 nests on the islands, and they usually didn't have chicks. Now, there are TONS of them! We've seen no less than 30 nests, and all have chicks. It's wonderful to see them around and to hear them.

Nice

So I went to Ellington's again last night. The place is wonderful. Great atmosphere, good drinks, good people. I talked with Sharon for another few hours. There is some nice kinship there, but I think that's about it. And I honestly don't have a problem with that. It's nice to be able to just talk with someone.

Sharon is a wonderful lady. Very engaging, and one of the best owners I've seen. She makes sure each customer feels like they are not only welcome, but wanted. I've never seen someone work a room the way she does. And you can tell the customer's appreciate it. It makes a huge difference, and really adds a lot to the experience.

Here is a link to the club.... http://www.ellingtonsjazz.com/

I'm going back again tonight I think.

More Pics

These pictures are from the wildlife preserve on the island. Although difficult to see, the top photo has a 6ft alligator in the center of the picture. The middle picture is a mangrove forest. The bottom picture is some of the many species of birds that frequent the preserve.

I have spent many hours here, seen many things. I've seen manatees, alligators, crocodiles, dolphins, many others. I understand how the ecology works, and I've seen what people tend to do to it. It makes a big difference. I get chided sometimes by friends when I cut up pop rings (the plastic pieces that hold sixpacks together), but I tell them that they would understand if they've seen the pelicans with scars or dead from them stuck around their necks. I don't consider myself an environmentalist, but I believe there is a part of it that all of us should follow. It's part of what makes me ME and it flows through all parts of my life.

Good day

Today was pretty good. I spent most of the day on the beach, then went to the local wildlife preserve in the afternoon. We saw a few alligators, but not much else. That was expected, since it was pretty windy today.

This evening, I went to a local jazz bar call Ellington's.

Sitting at the bar, I was approached by a wonderful woman named Sharon. She inquired about my leg, and we ended up talking for about 3 hours. Lo and behold she was the owner of the establishment. What a great evening it was, and I promised to go back and visit her this week =).

Pics 2

The top picture is looking down the beach towards the old lighthouse. The middle picture is a random shot I got of a line of pelicans flying across the water this morning. The bottom picture is looking down the beach towards the other complexes.

Pics

Well, here's the first pic from vacation. This is our beach. I've walked up and down this beach for over 25 years. It's changed a lot over the years, but I still know it as well as my own neighborhood.

This place still really feels like home.

Update

Yes, I know, not much posting lately really.

I'm having difficulty working through some things in my head. I'm very confused on a few things, and every time I think I have it figured out, something gets said that makes me understand very completely that I really have no idea what's going on. It's humbling, frustrating, and exciting all at the same time. Yes, I know that's really vague for most of you, but I don't like to post on things unless I know exactly what to say, and I really don't on this subject.



Quick thoughts......

Made my first car payment today in like 4 years. Felt pretty good actually :).

I'm still ambivalent about vacation, and I leave tonight. Not sure what to do about that.

I am taking my laptop and phone with me, so I will update some while on vacation. I'll try to post some pictures if possible.

Eh

I'm very eh at the moment, so here's a few quick things.

I'm very, very disappointed at how long my recovery is going to be. It's nearly twice what I expected. However, there's nothing I can do about it. How utterly frustrating, yet not worth worrying about at the same time.

I'm curiously uninterested in my vacation next week. Part of me wants to stay here for some reason. However, I really need the break from a few situations that are wearing on me right now.

There are hints of some big changes to the company coming very soon. Nothing that will affect me negatively, but it always makes me nervous nonetheless.

Late

Late, can't sleep. Too many things going through the head. I've been holed up in my room all night by myself. I'm going to throw some stuff down to get it out.

I wish I could say I'm being productive, but I'm not. I'm letting my thoughts run in circles again.


I feel like there is much to say, but I can't think of the words.

I've recently found myself lost in a set of eyes that I really didn't want to get lost in.

I feel like there is much I can't say, but somehow it gets communicated anyway.

I think one of my close friends is lost and doesn't know it, and may not ever know it, and I cannot point the way. And that makes me sad.

Thoughts

So, again, I’ve been pondering big things over the weekend. Kinda goes hand in hand with not really being able to do anything.

 

 

I’ve been thinking about my life, and the lives of those around me. I’ve been thinking about how I treat others, and how others treat me. I’ve been thinking about those people most important to me, and how many people are just “filler”, for lack of a better term.

 

The important people……….there are so few. These are the people that I simply feel like I cannot live without. My life would be so different without them.

 

Those folks are: my parents, my brother and sister, Karen, Brian (whatever else may be said about him, he has been there for the most part, and he’s one of the few (they are all on this list) people that check up on me when I’m out of contact), and honestly that’s about it.

 

I feel like the rest of the people in my life I could live my life without, and my life wouldn’t be significantly different. Not that I wouldn’t miss people, not that I don’t enjoy those people when I hang out with them. They just don’t have that much of an impact on my daily existence.

 

I’m wondering if it’s sad that I have so few, or if I should feel lucky that I have as many as I do.  

 

I look at things overall, and I discover that I don’t treat the important people significantly different than I do the other people. I’m wondering if I should change that. Should I pay more attention to the people that pay more attention to me? Should I pay less attention to the people that don’t really seem to care if I’m around? I think I would be happier if I changed, but……….

 

 

I feel like I have a positive impact on those around me, which makes this a much more difficult question. The golden rule states that I should treat everyone as if they are the most important person in my life, and I really do try to do that. I feel like I bring a little bit of joy to everyone I meet. I try to have a positive attitude, I try to respect everyone, and I try to make sure that my happiness doesn’t involve making someone else unhappy.  I think those are pretty good things to aspire for, and I really try to live those things.

 

However, that being said, I find that I get a lot of nothing in return. I get scorn. I get taken advantage of constantly. I get stomped on, ignored, and downright insulted by people I’m trying to be nice to. I get no consideration for my time or my effort by other contractors, customers, friends, whatever. I get cut in front of, doors shut in my face, etc., etc.

 

 

 

 

 

I bring this up here because I am having some philosophical issues right now. I want to live good, and be a good person. But it increasingly feels like there is no point. People don’t care enough to make it worth it. Everyone wants to live their little lives, do whatever their job is, and go home and watch TV. That’s all anyone I know talks about is this show, or that show, or who did what on that one show. There is no thinking involved. There is no interaction involved. They are spoonfed this crap that they are supposed to like, so they do. Mainly so that they can talk to the other spoonfed people about absolutely nothing that is ever going to impact their lives, other than to make them unhappy they don’t have what the people on TV have.

 

I don’t have lights. I don’t have a remote. I don’t have 20 scantily clad college co-eds fighting each other in a vat of Jello. I don’t have a solution to all your problems if you only send me $5.95 plus shipping and handling.

 

 

 

I do have a brain. I’ll even use it on you if you give me a chance. I might even say something that breaks you out of the dull existence the marketers and tv folks want you to live so they can sell you more stuff that you don’t need so that you go back to the job that you hate so that you can earn more money to buy even MORE stuff that you don’t need.

 

But you have to give me a chance. You have to turn off that godforsaken box for 10 minutes and use your own brain! No, the remote you just picked up won’t help you there. You just go ahead and keep that in your hand, I see I’m wasting my time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Better

So my doctor changed my pain prescription from Percosets to Vicodin. I can say with conviction that the Vics are doing a better job.

This makes a difference. The pain has been tough the past two days. We'll see how things go tomorrow.

Reflections again

So, as I said a few days ago I've been contemplative with the surgery, semi-isolation, and beginning recovery. Here are my thoughts today.



So I'm parked at one of my customers, and because I need extra room to get out of the car, etc, I parked a bit away from the door. I made sure no one was near me, to save my car doors, other cars, etc. The lot was pretty empty, and there were places everywhere to park. Nobody close to me, no reason to park near me.

SOOooooo, I go in, do my call, get done, go to leave. Someone has parked right next to my car. No cars within 5 or 6 spaces to either side of us. Right, so check this out. They park soooooooooo close to my driver's side door that I can hardly get between the cars.

Oh, right, not to mention that I couldn't open the door far enough to get my nice orthopedic boot into the door. So I could not get into my car.

The next 25 minutes was a process of getting into my car from the passenger side and getting behind the wheel. I'll spare you the details, save that by the time I was behind the wheel, I was sweating from the effort and pain, and frankly I was in tears at the ordeal. I my leg just hurt so much at that point, and I was so frustrated that someone could be so thoughtless.

It doesn't seem like that big of a deal, and if I wasn't hurt, it really wouldn't be.

But how could the driver know I was hurt? How could they not know?

Isn't the point that they can't possibly know, and therefore they should assume that I am, and that they should park away from my car?

This is some of what I try to get across to people. I try to live my life without negatively impacting other people as much as possible. That means that I think about what I do before I do it. Including stupid things like parking too close to the person next to me.

When's the last time you thought about how close you parked to the person next to you? About whether or not you've made it more difficult to go about their daily routine?

I try every day to make sure that my routine does not interfere with anyone else's, even if that means interrupting mine. I'd like to think that means I would get the same in return.

Evidently my karma isn't nearly so good. I must have been an evil person in a former life. Or perhaps it's because I'm so thoughtful that I seem to get shorted so often. Yin and Yang and all that.

Wherever there is great light, there must be great dark. What a bitch.

Holy Cow

I’m not sure I’ve ever been more tired. It’s extraordinarily difficult to get around with crutches, and I’m wearing out after only 2.5 days this week. I feel like I could sleep a week right now.

 

My shoulders are like iron from so much work, and they hurt. Under my arms is raw from the crutches. My good leg is sore from supporting most of my weight. My bad leg is sore in the hip and knee, and since I can’t take pain meds while working, the foot is like having a fire attached to my ankle permanently.

 

But you know what? I think I prefer this to last week not being able to do anything. I think would be alright if I could learn NOT to try to move at 900mph in everything I do.

Fun

So things just get more and more fun. I'm off my feet pretty much for another week, although I'm allowed to put weight on the leg now to some extent. I feel pretty down to be honest, and I don't really want to go home, but I don't have anywhere else to go really.


Since I've had nothing but time (and a short attention span due to painkillers)to myself recently, I've been doing a lot of thinking. Some of it is good, some of it is worthless, and some of it is probably bad.

Embarassing, but too good to pass up

Alright, as I was going through the process, I ask you to consider something you've probably NEVER considered before................


Just try to imagine how difficult it is to take a shower and wash your ass when you aren't allowed to put weight on one foot.

Not only that, but that foot is bandaged, wrapped in guaze, wrapped in 3 layers of plastic bags taped to the foot to make it water tight.

And you have no handholds in the shower, other than a shower bench that someone kindly thought of buying for me the day of the surgery.

Ok, thought of it? Alright, now considering trying to rinse........




Ludicrous isn't it? I unashamedly say that it took me nearly 20 minutes to complete this puzzle in real life today, and I was laughing at myself the whole time :) .......

last report tonight

So to complete the day..... I woke up, tried to get comfortable for a while, eventually got a phone call from mom. Decided to try to go out to dinner with them. They came here, we went out. It was alright, a little difficult, but not too bad.

Came home and the aching started. Expected, still sucks. Took required meds. Watched basketball for a while. Got bored, came upstairs. Going to play some Empires at War for bit.


I've been thinking about some specific things today, might post some about it tomorrow.

Next

Ya, I found a comfortable spot, and I've just slept since the last update.

And then........

So since the last post:

I played some Star Wars: Empires at War to pass some time. Fun, can be played in tablet form, which is a bonus, will play more later.

Chatted with Brian

Read a whole bunch of articles about various things: cruise ship fires, global warming, problems in Belarus, problems in Darfur, problems in China, attack choppers for sale, etc.

I took 1 percoset on the 4 hour schedule, using the first post this morning as a marker.

Talked briefly with Mom when she called.

Tried to sleep for about 20 minutes, spent about 20 more doing the "move around until you get comfortable" bed dance. ----NOTE: This gets more difficult each time, as my elbows and knees are getting rug burn. Talk about ironic unexpected consequences......

Next report

Ok, so since the last post, here's what I've done to keep occupied.......

Responded to a few more work emails.

Chatted with Brian

Chatted with Chris

Chatted with Keith

Chatted one-sidedly with Karen as she's not there.

I checked www.fark.com and www.msnbc.com and www.abcnews.com and www.foxnews.com and www.slashdot.org and www.cnn.com and www.googlenews.com and www.espn.com and www.news.com and www.theregister.com . Most of these had no new stories for me to read yet.

I read an article on artificial gravity, an article on asexual couples, several articles on NCAA basketball, several articles on the NFL happenings, an article regarding Dell's buyout of Alienware, an article regarding the current state of Delta Airlines, an article regarding dark matter, checked the Astronomy Picture of the Day, checked the weather forecast for the 10th time today.

I also walked (with crutches) around the room a few times to get the pain to go away.

Night report

First, since I rudely missed doing it last night, let me thank Karen for coming to visit. When you are trapped in your house, having visitors means the world, and I felt 10 times better yesterday than I have since Tuesday. It means a lot Karen, thanks!!!



So here's how the night went. After my last post, I spent nearly two hours trying to find a comfortable spot. I finally did, and I was able to sleep until 3AM. I woke up, took a percoset, spent until 5 trying to get comfortable. I finally did, and I was able to sleep until 9AM. This is the best night I've had so far.

When I woke up, I paid for my good night. From 9 to 10 I could do nothing other than deal with the pain. I took 2 percosets, took my anti-biotic, and generally cursed and screamed until the pain subsided a bit. Which it finally did.

I logged in to check email, did a few things for work real quick that took no brain power.

Now I'm going to check a few blogs, read some news, go from there.

Karen's advice

So I'll take Karen's advice/suggestion from this evening and chronicle the next few days on here as I go through my continued recovery.

It's 10:42. I'm taking my percosets. Taking 2. Having a great deal of discomfort again, can't find a comfortable spot to sit in. Pizza tasted good for dinner, stomach isn't so sure it was a good idea.

I'll post later.

Now I know..........

..........what real pain is. I always thought I did until now.

Here's the brief synopsis of the surgery and events afterwards: Surgery got started late. No big deal. I sat in the hospital bed from 6:30AM until 9:00 AM waiting, with an IV anti-biotic and saline solution hooked up. I finished my current book in that time, which was cool. 9:30AM, 2 nurses came in. They went over various instructions and questions, then gave me a series of 5 shots into my IV, 1 was Fentenal, 1 was some type of valium type thing. I was wheeled to the operating room, talked to the doctor for about 5 minutes, was moved to the operating table. I laid back, and that's the last thing I remember until I woke up in the recovery room.

The doc said he had to do more than he thought during surgery. He cleaned the debris out of the ankle, but he also had to remove scar tissue, and had to shave the muscle down as well. It had overdeveloped to compensate for the problem. Hence, the surgery took over 2 hours, compared to the hour it was supposed to take.

It was 11:45AM, so my time sense was immediately off since the surgery was supposed to be around an hour. I was EXTREMELY disoriented for about 45 minutes. Nurses were busily doing various things around me, and then my parents came in. My left foot was bundled up in multiple layers of bandages and things. A nurse gave me a shot of morphine (what she said) into my IV, and then the IV was removed. No real pain yet. I was dressed, and bundled up into the car.

Went home. Pain started. Unlike anything I have ever felt before. From 1PM yesterday to about 4:30AM last night, just excruciating pain. They gave me a presecription for Percoset, and I take them when I'm told, but it just dulls it slightly. Unbelievable pain. It comes in waves, and it seems to be getting better now. I can usually find a comfortable spot at least.


Too strung out and exhausted to post more right now.

Sunday

Sunday was a good day.

 

I woke up early for my yellow belt test. I was fine the whole drive down, fine the whole warm up period, and then he called my name and I got really nervous all of a sudden. I did fine though. My ankle tried to give out once and I stumbled, but that’s ok. It hurt pretty bad, but I was able to complete the test and pass. Everyone went out to lunch afterwards, and a good time was had by all.

 

So last night I went to see George Clinton and the Parliament Funkadelic at Bogart’s here in town. After seeing the show last night, I have to agree with my friend that this is one show EVERYONE must see once in their lifetime. Absolutely amazing. I’ve never see such a positive vibe at Bogart’s, nor have I seen such a diverse crowd. The show was incredible. The crowd was incredible. The show went on forever! (Longest show I’ve seen at Bogart’s.) After the show, I felt like I had just worked out for 4 hours, but it was great.

 

After such a crappy Friday and Saturday, it was a great Sunday.

 

 

Surgery tomorrow, I’ll post when I can.

Blech

Well last night just sucked. Not only did pretty much everyone bail on going out, I got my car towed as well, along with 4 other people parked in the lot where I was. Talk about a racket, 108$ to get it back.

Thankfully I hadn't had too many beers when I noticed.

Ah well, at least I can say it was a first for me. I never noticed the tow away sign in the lot, so I paid the price for it. I can almost guarantee it'll never happen again :).

B-Ball Tourney

Well, it's that time of the year again.

I have 3 requirements for a good tourney.

1) Duke MUST LOSE. Every year. Period.

2) Kentucky MUST LOSE. Horribly, preferably to a lower seed that embarrasses them. Besides the fact I've ALWAYS hated them, they are the favorite team of my bitch of an ex-wife. I loved rooting against her EVERY YEAR. I will always hate Kentucky. Any state that has a postal abbreviation that spells the name of a lubricant, well that just tells you a lot about that state, doesn't it.

3) Arizona, my alma mater, must win win win! They always play hard, and Lute Olson is one of the best coaches in the game today. I love to watch them play, and this is the only time of the year I can watch them earlier than 10:30PM tip off.

Crowning moment of glory for me was the 1997 tournament. Arizona, the heavy underdog, beat Kentucky in the finals. Not only did my ex-wife NEVER live that one down, her family didn't either. The next day, I had to go to one of her family gathering, and I wore all of my Arizona gear. I almost got lynched, and it was worth EVERY glare!!!!

Nightmares in detail

So here is the story of the nightmares last night. I will go into as much detail as possible, though there are some things I will leave out for modesty’s sake and so as not to embarrass certain people.

The night’s dreams started out just fine. Rather wonderful as a matter of fact. I was engaged in some rather intense, shall we say, loveplay with someone very important to me in my life right now. Although inappropriate in real life, it was wonderful in the dream. That’s all I’ll really say about that right now. If someone really wants details, they can ask, I hide nothing ;).



Then things turned dark. The bedroom turned into my yard, and instead of light and warm, it got colder, and it started to rain. The person I had been with was nowhere to be found. I stumbled around, unable to find what I was looking for. I can’t say for sure if I was looking for someone or something. I think it was someone, as I called her name several times with no response. The really odd thing was that there was no sound outside. No birds, no cars, no normal neighborhood noises. Everything was quiet. It was dark as if a storm was close but not quite here yet. I walked around to the front of the house, and instead of my car in the driveway, it was Dawn’s car. Now this was odd, since I believed in the dream we had been divorced for 3 years. My heart lept into my chest. I ran inside, to find her in the normal position I always found her when I came home. Curled up on the couch watching reruns of Star Trek.

Obviously something here wasn’t right. Part of me wanted this to be real, and part of me wanted to run quickly. I said hello, and she turned and looked at me and asked what I was sorry for this time. I was confused, and I couldn’t answer her. I asked what I should be sorry for. She said “You know”. I said “No, I don’t.”

At that moment, the person I had been with earlier came down the stairs. Wow, talk about a shock. She froze halfway down the stairs, and Dawn sat up, turned around, then started yelling at the both of us. Every insult you can think that a woman can throw at a man was thrown around, by both women directed towards me. They looked at one another, seemed to nod, and both advanced towards me. I backed up towards what I thought was the door, but I couldn’t open it. It wasn’t locked you understand, it wasn’t there anymore. They got closer, and closer, and finally Dawn reached out and slapped me full in the face. As I reeled from the hit, they got in closer. One of them tripped me, and both started kicking me as hard as possible. I remember everything fading to black…………….


When I awoke I was in the person that I started the night with’s yard. (Yes, odd sentence I know.) Again, it was dusk, and it was chilly. I stumbled around the yard feeling drunk. Drunk to the point of almost passing out, but still aware of my surroundings. I noticed a fire back towards the end of the yard. I approached the fire. As I did, I noticed my friend sitting there crying. As I approached to find out what the matter was, Dawn stepped in front of me again. Startled, I jumped back. And tripped over a log. Dawn stood over me, and challenged me to prove that I was a good person. She challenged me to prove that I was worth being with. I began to recount the good things that I have done with my life. I have given shelter to friends in need, to my and my marriage’s detriment. I am always there for my friends. I answer my phone when no one else will. I ALWAYS listen to a friend when they need a shoulder to cry on. I always am there for any friend that needs me. Every instance I gave was thrown back in my face and twisted so that it appeared self-serving and evil. I was accused of doing these things specifically to hurt her. I was accused of stomping on our wedding vows in order to further whatever whim took me at the time. I was accused of trying to turn her into a whore. I was accused of cheating on her with anything that had a pulse. With each phrase she spat out, I kept shrinking in repulsion, which only seemed to make her stronger. Her voice got louder, and louder, and louder. At a point when it seemed sure that her voice would burst my eardrums, my friend walked over and stood over top of me. Dawn stopped her ranting. My friend looked me in the face as I begged her for help, begged her to tell Dawn that these things weren’t true, that I was a good person. Instead, her face turned unbearably mean, and this is what she said: “How could you do these things? You’ve lied to me all along, and I’m with Dawn. I will never speak to you again.” I tried to scream out, tried to stop her from leaving and I could not. Dawn and her turned their backs, and they walked off. I closed my eyes, and felt as though I was falling through the world.



I awoke next in bed with Dawn. She was curled up next to me sleeping, the way that we used to do. It was very peaceful. She woke up, turned to look at me, immediately screamed and ran out the door. Confused, I ran after her. She screamed as I ran after her, grabbing her cell phone and calling the police on the way. I tried to ask her what was wrong, why she was doing this, and she just kept insulting me, telling me to stay away from her, how dare I allow her to sleep with me, how dare I think that everything could possibly be fine after everything I had done. (In this stage, I had no knowledge of the divorce, or that there were any problems at all.) Very confused, I tried to find out what was wrong, I tried to apologize for anything and everything. Anything to make her stop yelling. Anything to fix the problems and go on as we had. I really had no clue what was happening. She paused a moment, looked at me with tears in her eyes, and reached out her hand. As I reached for it, pitch black came over me, and I never grasped her hand.

Again falling. And falling. Pitch black, and falling. Falling forever. Voices telling me that I am a hypocrite. Telling me that I am an evil person for what I did to her. Telling me that she was right to leave, and that I deserve everything I got. Telling me that I am worthless as a human being, that everything I touch turns to shit. Asking me why I tried so hard to be a good person when I didn’t mean any of it. Asking me why I tried so hard when no one really noticed. Asking why I tried so hard when the rest of the world really didn’t care. Asking why I tried so hard when I just got stepped on, and disappointed, and hurt. Telling me that it’s all really not worth the trouble, and that I am a fool for trying. Telling me that my life’s destiny is to be hurt at every turn. Telling me that no one will ever live up to the standard that I have set for myself. Telling me that I will be eternally disappointed. Telling me that I will always want those things and people that I can never, ever have, and that as a result I will always be unhappy. Telling me to give it up, to stop trying so hard.

Still falling, falling, falling.


And then I am awake, sweating hard. I feel like I’ve run a marathon. My breathing is hard, my pulse is racing. I throw the covers off my bed, displacing an unhappy cat in the process, put my feet on the floor, and take a shower. I am shaking everywhere, hands, feet, legs, arms, you name it. I can’t stop for a good 10 minutes as the water runs over my head. I cry for a bit, so shaken by these dreams.

I leave for work, completely absorbed in my thoughts. Not until the six words post this morning could I really speak to anyone. Luckily I had no early call this morning.

I have no idea what these dreams mean.

Six Words

Nightmares Horrible Dawn Karen Terror Exhausted

6 words

Nightmares Horrible Dawn Wake Up Exhausted

Blank

I really have nothing to post. What an odd day it was.

So Darlene's brother gets into an accident this morning, and is in the ICU this evening. Severe head trauma. If he recovers, which isn't a certainty at this point, he will be permanently different.

I have trouble conceiving this. While never particularly fond of the kid, I don't comprehend how this happened.

I cannot put myself into those shoes, no matter how hard I try, and that's something I feel like I can do pretty well normally. It bothers me that I can't comprehend what life would be like without cogent thought. Or worse, with cogent thought but no way to express it.

If there is a hell, that must be it. For me at least.

I hope it does not come to that for Johnny.

There are not words entirely for what I feel right now. Empathy is a bitch sometimes.

My aches and pains and upcoming surgery pale in comparision. They aren't even worth discussing, let alone worrying about right now.

Sunday

Alright, full edited update since long posts are impossible from the phone.

So, after an exhuasting Saturday and failure to sleep again Saturday night, I was up at 7:30 Sunday morning to begin again. I went through and put the finishing touches on the house.

I moved the furniture to the best places for the various pieces for lots of people at the house. I dusted everything, ran the vacuum. I finished up some laundry and got it put away.

I got out the fancy comforter that goes with the paint color in my room, changed sheets, put out the homemade quilt for the bed.

I got my homemade soup out of the fridge and got it going. I lit some scented candles downstairs and upstairs. I took trash out of all the rooms.

I basically made the place as perfect as I could get it.

People started arriving at 1. By the time everyone was there, we had perhaps 35 people. I made myself a good host, and made sure things ran smoothly. I took people on tours of the house, got drinks, food, etc.

I answered a BAJILLION questions regarding my dating status or lack thereof. I endured snide comments from Kris and D as usual regarding that as well.

And then they were all gone. Things seemed to go well, so I'll see what everyone said tonight when I talk to my mom. She's great about finding out things for me. I got no negatives from people that were there yesterday, so that's a good sign. My mother's family is so ridiculously obsessed with that "in vogue" bullshit that I was nervous as to what they thought the whole time yesterday. Not for myself understand, because I don't care. It's more for mom's sake, as she's the one that has to talk to them, and she likes rubbing it in their faces that we are different and we do just fine. We aren't the Abercrombie cutouts that Janie's kids are, we aren't the upper-middle class snobs that everyone else seems to be.

I like it just fine, and I just hope that I impressed enough to give mom some breathing room.

Weekend of Work

So this weekend was all about working around the house. Brother insisted on a birthday party at the house for Chloe, so family all got invited plus friends and whatnot. Now, most of my family has never been to my house for whatever reason, so that meant lots of cleaning to really try to impress the catty aunts I have.

Friday was relaxing at least. I hung out with the Kung Fu people, and my friend Greg and his new girl Ling Ling came over to meet us. They've been back from China since Thursday, so they were pretty beat yet, but it was nice to see them. Ling Ling's english is pretty good, and she seemed to be pretty nice from what I could tell.

Saturday was all about cleaning. I was expecting help that I never got, since Kris and D decided to go out and about all day. So I did what I could by myself (which is a lot) and then when they got home I refused to help anymore. However, all that work left me way too tired to contemplate doing anything else. Plus, I've had to stop taking anything for my foot with the surgery ten days away, so lots of fun and pain all around.

I'll post about Sunday here shortly. I've got a call to run to real quick.

Well

Well, I'm really trying not to be too down about the China trip getting postponed. I'm trying to find good ways to look at it, and other than not having the pain I've been having, I'm finding that difficult.

I was pretty down until I had lunch with Karen. As always, my mood was much lighter after a good talk at lunch. So thanks Karen :). Everyone should be as lucky as we are to have such a good friendship.

I've been doing a bit too much of just about everything recently, and I think it's starting to wear on me a bit. I think trying to see the surgery as some much needed rest is a good thing, and I'm going to try to do that.

Drop

So I went to the doctor today. I have to have surgery on my ankle.

Here's the kicker, and the reason I won't be able to go to China this year. In order to have this surgery, I have to take a week off work. I can't take the week off work and still be able to have the time I need to go to China. So this sucks. I can choose to have my ankle fixed and not be in constant pain, or I can choose to go to China.


I told you I felt like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, so there it is.


I so hate it when I'm right.




I'll post more when I'm not so down about this.

The other shoe........

..............has dropped. I'll go into detail soon.

Doctor Today

So I'n sitting in the waiting room at Cincinnati Sports Medicine in Clifton. I'm finally having my foot looked at. I will be happy to finally have no pain once this gets all taken care of.

I'm a little nervous that he's going to tell me there is a lot more damage than we thought.

I can believe how many people are waiting here. There must be 50 people waiting to see this doctor.

Grrr

Mind won't shut off right now. I think two weekends in a row with work on one of the two days has gotten to me a bit.

I feel a bit overwhelmed I guess.

I've also spent more of my tax return than I should have. It has been on things I needed to do for whatever reason, but still..... at least June is a 3 paycheck month.

I absolutely hate watching money so closely. I am hoping that I can get a decent raise come May. Although I know they are happy with the work I do, since we are so small, I really don't expect a huge raise. I'd frankly be happy with cost of living, although I'd really like a little more than that.

Whew

Long day. Up late last night working until midnight, then worked a very full day today. Some of it outside in the lovely 40's and damp weather today. It was a neat project, but I just wasn't ready for that today. Went to class, of course, afterwards so pretty tired.

I have a few things to think about. I got to work last night with Jeff, and we talked about some things. We had a decent discussion, though the work at hand did keep it from being overlong.

They are very happy with what I've done so far, and they want to make sure that I'm happy as well. And it really feels genuine, which is a switch from what I've come to expect really. To that effect, it looks like they are going to give me all the days off I've asked about for China. And that's without my urging, just with an explanation that I felt like this would be a once in a lifetime trip for me. I even offered to take time off without pay if it was better for the company.

So I get to go to Florida with my family for a week in April.

Then I get to go to China June 1st through 12th. (Assuming passports work out and the like of course)

I'm still holding my breath, waiting for something to go wrong................

Roses

So, once of my pet projects around my house is my rose bushes. I have somewhat of a green thumb, and especially so for roses. (This makes my mother jealous, as she has horrible luck with them.)

I have a rose bush outside my back door that my mother planted before I was born. It's an old fashion Blaze climber that gets unique purlplish flowers on it. When I moved into my house, it was given to me, as it wasn't doing particularly well at mom's (never got more than about 3 or 4 ft tall, pretty much never bloomed, etc.), and we though it would be neat to see how it did.

It turned into a monster. It has a dozen good branches, each at least 10ft long. Last spring I had nearly 4 dozen blossoms on it by the time it was done blooming.

It's gotten so large I have to move it this spring, as it gets in the way of the back door. I'm going to try to get it moved today I think, while it's still dormant. I've got to find a pair of gloves first so that I don't donate half my blood to it in the process. (Although some will tell you that good roses require such a blood sacrifice to grow well, and I'm inclined to believe it.)

I'll take some pictures when I get it moved and it blooms.

Jack ass

So, when it comes down to crunch time, I just can't deliver. I had a whole night to talk to the person I'm interested in, and I couldn't think of a damn thing to say. Besides the fact that she was much more interested in one of the instructors that she used to live with, I just couldn't get it together.

I had a horrible case of the spills. I spilled drinks twice, which is two more times than I've spilled a drink in the past 9 months. I could think of nothing to say to her to try to start a conversation, so I just drank more to drown it out.

I'm sure I was a complete jackass all night, and I totally ruined any remote chance I had in the first place.

Maybe since I don't flirt with any women that are available I've lost any touch I once had in the past.

Maybe I'm fooling myself into thinking I have any clue what I'm doing anymore.

Maybe I'm fooling myself into thinking there is someone out there that can see past my stupid outside to what lives inside. I can't seem to show that person at the most important times, only to the people that already know who I really am and don't care anymore.


Bah, why do I feel 15 again and have no idea what to say to women anymore?

These are the times I want to go live in a monastery and forget all about this stuff.

Sleep

I'm having a hard time sleeping again. This time not only am I having trouble falling asleep, I'm having trouble staying asleep. Last night is a perfect example. I was really tired when I got home, so I did what I needed to do, then decided to try go to sleep early. I went to bed at 9:30PM, intending to read a chapter in my book and go to sleep.

I read that chapter, turned the light off, tried to sleep. No luck, completely wired. I tossed and turned, tried relaxation excersises, whatever. I FINALLY drifted off to sleep at 1:30AM.


At 5:45AM I woke up, completely awake. Tried going back to sleep, that wasn't happening. So I showered, dressed, and came into work. I got some stuff done at least, but still.


Why is it really starting to seem that as I age I need less and less sleep? Before the divorce I had no problem sleeping until 11AM or later on weekends. Especially if I was partying the night before. Now it's 7:30 or 8AM that I can't sleep past, even if I don't get home until 3:30 or 4AM, as I've done the past 3 weekends.


The stupid thing is that I have more energy now than I have in a very long time. How weird is that? Maybe I just need a good woman to keep me in bed in the mornings, maybe that'll do it...........

Grateful

What an interesting night it has been.

I went to BW3's after class tonight to hang out with everyone. The conversation turned pretty serious, talking about religion and personal stuff pretty quickly. I made the point that I really try to live my life in a good way, treating other people the way that I want to be treated, even if it sucks to do it or whatever. I didn't feel this was necessarily religious or anything, but simply the way I try to live my life. I made the point that if I have made even one person's life better or easier in some way, then I feel like I've accomplished something.

In front of 6 other people, I had a friend (Brian) stand up and tell people that I am the only person he knows that has done something good or right even when I knew it would hurt me (or my marriage) in the process. He can't possibly know how much it means to me to know that someone recognizes that.

The fact that this was in front of a group of people that I am just getting to know means a lot. I feel like all the heartache and trouble I've been through means something. For someone searching for some meaning in their life, this is a gift beyond words to describe it.

It was all I could do not to cry honestly. I've made a difference somewhere, and someone noticed.

Waiting............

So many good things have happened recently, I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have such horrible luck normally, good things just don't happen to me without a measure of bad things thrown in. So I feel like I'm waiting for it to happen..........

Observation

What is trouble for one is joy for another.

Quick Side Note

Hehehe, one of the best things in life is looking up from typing your blog, and realizing both cats are asleep on either side of you in bed, and one of them is snoring ;)

Metaphysical Wellness Weekend

Alright, so not quite, but it was a damn good weekend overall.

Friday night's party was a blast. Hung out talking with one of the blackbelts and his wife for most of the night. No appearance by my current interesting person, but I had fun anyway. Lots of beer was consumed, and a general good time was had, I must say. It was nice to get out among some new people and just relax. I've got to learn to dress down a bit. I've been dressing a bit too uncasual for this group. Since most are college kids or close to that age, they dress more in t-shirts and what not. Considering my recent trend has been the opposite direction to slightly more dressy type things (normal for me in winter, can't stand it in the summer though), I look very out of place for the most part. Very "metro" as someone put it the other day. Not really my intention, but I've been called much worse, so..........

Saturday was surreal. I got home around 3:30 Saturday night, got up at 8:15 for work. I felt kinda drunk still, which was odd considering I felt stone cold sober when I got home. I shook it off, went in, worked a few hours. I then went and bought 3 new pairs of shoes, and I went car shopping. I've been looking for a long time, so I knew what I wanted to look at. I got no help at all at Columbia Hyundai. I literally waited almost 40 minutes for a salesman. I finally got fed up and left. My mom called, and she was up by Cincinnati Mills, so suggested we meet and go car shopping up that way. I met her, we went to Superior Hyundai, and lo and behold I found what I was looking for.

So, I bought a car Saturday!!! 2005 Hyundai Accent, red, 4 door. Gets 26 miles to the gallon city, 32 Hwy :) :) :). After the monster of a gashog the Jimmy was (think 12 to 18 miles to the gallon), this is a dream come true.

I drove it down to the Nine Inch Nails concert on Saturday night with 3 of my friends. We had a riot. The parking was surprisingly convenient. The show was great, and the seats turned out just fine. Party time again :P~~~~


So, after partying hard all weekend, I was beat Sunday. I really didn't do much of anything. Other than read a book, which I finished. I was surprised to finish it, since I started it Friday, but alas, I did. Looking back I realize I DID read for 5 hours Sunday, but still.

I'm feeling pretty good at the moment. I've had good talks with two friends, one on Friday and one today, and that has helped temper the disappointment I felt last week. I finally got in touch with my friend in China to start making those arrangements. He wants me to come in June, but that will interfere with my next belt test at the dojo I think. It really depends on what kind of surgery I need to have on my foot. I should find that out around the 8th of March, when I visit the orthopedic specialist. We'll see what he says, then I can make more decisions.

Agression

So, I went home yesterday and I beat the crap out of myself. I went for the walk, was still angry at the day and a few people. So I did some yardwork, started getting things cleaned up for spring. That didn't help either. So, I worked out in my new space in the basement.

I have a heavy bag setup, and my PC isn't far from there. I turned on some Prodigy, and I went to town. I worked out for almost 90 minutes, just getting lost in what I was doing. I busted my knuckles on the bag, but I didn't even notice it. Hurt my foot a little when I got careless, but that's ok. I did 100 crunches, 50 push-ups, then hung from my gravity boots for about 10 minutes.

I only stopped because someone stopped by the house. I'm glad they did, because I wouldn't be able to move today if they hadn't. Hehe, I really do get carried away sometimes.

I feel better today, but I'm still pretty down overall. I saw something yesterday that I shouldn't have. But when someone told me it was there, I had to look. I guess part of me really wanted her to be unhappy for the rest of her life for what she did to me. I shouldn't have looked. Damnit, I shouldn't have looked!

I'm going to a party tonight with the dojo people. There will be enough consumption to drown all this bullshit out.

Sucks

Once again today I am reminded how much it sucks to be the person that I want to be.

I am the person that I want my friends to be, and when they don't measure up, I am disappointed.

Example: Have an extra ticket for NIN this weekend. Buddy of mine tells a girl (before asking me) that I don't particularly care for that there is an extra ticket. She calls me at 8:30am or so to ask if she can have it. Rather than let me other friend get stuck paying for the ticket, I ask him, and he says yes. As soon as I hang up, I get a txt message from my friend stating that he told her, but didn't want me to give it to her. I told him too late, I told her it was available. He said lie to her and tell her that someone else took it. I told him no, that this is another situation where it sucks to be the person I want everyone else to be. I will not lie to her, or to anyone else for that matter. I said she could have it, so she's getting it. It doesn't matter that I don't like her. It doesn't matter that I really don't want her to go. I told her the truth, and at least my other friend isn't getting stuck with a $50 ticket that gets wasted.

Example2: I drop everything when my friends need something. Everyone that knows me knows that all they have to do is HINT that they need something, and my schedule is instantly free for them. I don't care what the repercussions are, my friends and family are more important than anything else in my life. I increasingly feel like I don't have anyone like that in my life. I get voicemail more often than not when I call anyone. (My friend Brian pointed out last night that I'm the only person he knows that ALWAYS answers my phone, and when I don't, he knows I'm at my PC and he can message me if he needs me and I ALWAYS respond.) Not only this, but if one of my friends messages me with a problem, or even with what I perceive to be a problem, everything else becomes secondary. If I know they've been having difficulty with anything, and they contact me for any reason, I make time for them, period. Unfortunately I never get the same treatment from anyone. I get "How bout tomorrow?" Never, NEVER do I get "How can I help?" or "Can I meet you somewhere?"

I'm leaving work early today. I've been upset and emotional all day long, and I can't concentrate. I need to go home and take a long walk. With my luck, it will be a short pier, and I won't see the end until I fall.

HOWEVER....... I will not change who I am. I AM the dependable one, and I will always be that person. I just need to find more people around me that can treat me the way I treat them. I think some of the people at the dojo are going to be that way. I sure hope they are, because walking this path is awfully lonely.

Question

How do you tell someone that there is so much else out there that they haven't experienced yet in life when they are so happy they don't know what to do with themselves?

What am I getting myself into?

So I'm talking to one of the few people that I do some outside work for today, and they have some stuff they want me to do. So I start looking at my calendar, and holy crap!!!! I don't have any time for them for like 2 weeks!!

Now, I hate being booked out that way. I hate being unavailable for anyone, and I like to think that I can pick up whenever I want and go do something. It's one of the few advantages to being single and having a little bit of money.

I'm not sure how I overbooked myself this way, and it's seriously got my reconsidering doing side work. While it's nice to get a little extra money under the table, I've noticed that I've been really tired recently. I can tell not by being tired, but by the massive mood swings I've been having. I get sad to the point of tears about once a week, and it's usually in the morning on the way to work. This morning was one of those mornings, hence the earlier post about coherent thoughts.

Now, the stupid thing about this is that I had a wonderful dream last night. My current woman of interest was in it, and I think that's probably all the detail you need to figure it out. What's unusual about this is a) I never remember my dreams anymore b) it felt very different for one of my dreams.

To elaborate on B........ I used to believe that my dreams were small snippets of future happenings. These dreams were always different from normal dreams. The lighting is different, the smell is different, the sense of touch is different, everything. This dream felt this way. I remember being very content, mostly not doing anything other than having someone next to me in bed and talking. Hence the other odd thing about this dream for me. Most of my dreams are constant action of one type of another. Constant movement, changing scenery, etc. This one the scenery never changed. It was my room, though with a different bed than my current one. A warm breeze blew through the room, and I could hear the normal sounds from my neighborhood. I remember the lazy talking more than any other part of this dream.

I think the feeling of absolute contentment that went away shortly after I woke up triggered the emotional response this morning on the way to work. At least I hope it did, as I really don't want to go back on anti-depressants again.

Morning

It's hard to write this morning. I'm having difficulties putting coherent thoughts together.

I wonder why I continue to write here. It's nice to get thoughts out, but I get no responses to anything I write. Karen responds, and it's a nice way for the two of us to keep in touch, but I was hoping for more I guess.

I guess I use this space to battle my own demons, whatever they may be at the time.

I wonder why I hold back so much here. There is much I want to really say, but I worry about offending people that read it, and I worry about the repercussions of said people being offended.

Fascination Street

Heh, heard that Cure song earlier today, and I'd say it adequately describes my mindset at the moment.

So last night I went to a party thrown by one of the guys that attends the dojo I started going to. It appears they do this on a frequent basis, which is cool. The age range is odd at first, with some as young as 21, and others as old as earlier 40's. However, everyone is very comfortable around one another, and the dynamic was good. There was also a LOT of alcohol involved in the evening, and that always helps.

To make things better, a woman I've kinda had an eye on was there. (Karen, ask Jim what he thinks about Jen from the dojo. He'll know who you are talking about. ) She's in her late 30's, very long red hair. She has some interesting tatoos, and she's an artist by trade. I talked with her for a good portion of the evening, and I found the conversation fascinating. I've found my eye seems to find her of it's own free will at times :). I don't quite know what to make of it honestly, but it's fun so far.

Of course it's way too early to think of it as anything than healthy infatuation, but I am going to enjoy trying to get to know her much better.

The whole group in general is going to be a lot of fun, and I've sorely been missing some fun recently.

Beautiful sentiment

Someone told me this just last night about someone they are dating, and I found the sentiment very moving.

" If I died right now, I'd rather my spirit walk by her side, even knowing that I couldn't speak with her or touch her ever again, than move on to wherever souls may go. Just being near her is enough."

Isn't that what we all really want?

Morning ponderings

Quick pondering entered from my phone.

Why do I feel like almost all of the people I know that have all the money they need don't deserve to have said money?

And the people that deserve an easier life and work so hard for it never have any money?

Does anybody really believe anymore that they can truly make a difference in the grand scheme of things? Are those that do believe that they can just fooling themselves, or are those that have given up trying to make a difference the fools?

Pondering

I seem to do this a lot right now. I ponder things. I wonder why things are the way they are. I'm not sure why I do this, and I'm not sure what it means. I'm not sure it's good, and I'm not sure it's bad.


Why does life turn out the way it does? Do we affect the outcome, or is it all predetermined?

Why do I feel that sometimes I can actually know what tomorrow brings? Why do I consistently dream things that happen days later? Even if I really don't want them to?

Why do I dream things that then don't happen? Even if I really want them to?

Why do I get really down about my life, when things are going so well?

Why do I feel absolutely great when things are putrid and I continue anyway?

Why do I feel like the last person on the planet that cares about the golden rule?

Why do I feel so strong when I give in?

Why can I see my path so clearly and still feel lost?

Ick

This is one of the most frightening things I've seen in a long time.

Good Morning!

Well, yesterday was much fun.

So, I worked all day, driving to Lexington and back for a client. Not so bad, sucks in my car, but not so bad. Then on my way back to Cincy, I get a call from the main site of this client, and they are having problems. So I stop back by there, and I end up being there until 11PM on a Friday night.

It's times like these that I am truly thankful that I love my job. Seriously. Sure, it sucks to work on Friday night, but I'm always up for a challenge, and that's exactly what yesterday was. Very difficult problem, and I learned something. That makes it a good day in my book, regardless of what the hours were.


I'll post more later.

No Update

I haven't had anything to write about.

I'm very...contemplative.....since Monday. I need a couple days to work things out, I'll post more over the weekend.

Well

So I was going to write yesterday and couldn't.

I found my wedding rings over the weekend, and decided to sell them yesterday. I'm not sure why I was keeping them. I guess part of me always assumed that she'd be back at some point. Obviously at this point, it's been almost 3 years, and that's simply not going to happen. So I decided to sell them and be done with it.

I had no idea how difficult this would end up being. Not from a physical doing it perspective, but from a letting go emotionally perspective. I took the rings, and walked into the place to sell them. The lady at the counter asked if she could help me. I explained what I wanted to do, and she bombarded me with questions. Where were they purchased, did I have receipts, was I sure it was over, did I want a loan on them instead of selling them, was I sure it was over (I got asked this like 10 times), did I want her to hang on to them for a week or two just to be sure, etc. AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!

I finally got so upset that I talked to the lady in a very loud voice. I told her that I was positive, that this wasn't an easy thing, and she wasn't making it any easier, and that if she wanted to buy the rings she needed to give me the damn money (exact words) or I was going to go somewhere else. She must have seen the tears in my eyes because she apolgized and completed the transaction quickly at that point. I apologized to her, and I told her that the divorce was finally over 2 years ago and that I just hadn't been able to part with them until just now. She sympathized, and apologized again for putting me through so much. She said she gets this type of thing all the time, and most people just do things in a rash state and then regret it later. I told her I understood, but that it was just very difficult for me.

So I finished up and got out of there. I was really, really, really down, so I tried to call Karen, but got voicemail. So I just went home, and I just kind of collapsed when I got home. I locked the door to my room and just shut out the outside world for a while. It helped some. I feel better this morning, but still down overall.

Good Weekend

So it's been a great weekend so far.

Friday I went to Olive Garden with my brother and his wife to celebrate her birthday with her friends. Other than feeling really old (they are all around the 23-24 mark, and very new to the corporate world, etc..), the dinner was actually really good. It was nice to get out.

Saturday I worked around the house all day. I got a second coat of paint on my room, and I put up my SkyChair in my room after rearranging things. Don't know what a SkyChair is? Check it out.....
I have a green one that goes wonderfully with the color I painted my room (think eggplant), and I have the foot rest as well. I love it, it's a great reading chair. When I finally get a nice deck built outside, I'll have a spot out there to hang it from as well.

I also did some more serious work in the basement. I'm finally starting to get organized. I got most of my extra electronic crap put into one huge tupperware container. Once the roomates finally move out, I'll have time to go through everything. Until then, I've got to get stuff stored away. There is just too much crap in the house with them living here.

Last night we went to dinner with my parents. They wanted to take Darlene out for her birthday. Unbeknownst to my parents, Darlene invited her parents as well.....

Let's just say that the two families are really, really, really different. Besides the fact they live in a double-wide trailer, they are just completely different than us from a socio-economic, educational, and philisophical background. They are nice people overall, don't get me wrong. It's just really unfortunate Darlene didn't have more growing up, she could be so much more than she is now. Her dad is a gun buff, and he collects historical weapons (which is neat in my book, if still a bit weird). Her mom just had a baby of her own, which is about 2 or 3 months older than Chloe. Plus she has a son that's 17, and getting ready to get out of highschool. So that whole situation is just a really weird dynamic. But everything went very well, and I think everyone had a good time.


Not really planning on much for tonight. Although I usually attend some type of gathering, this year I've not been invited to any. Part of this of course relates to the decisions I've made since New Years, that have somewhat been chronicled here, and part of this is simply my wish to do something a little more simple this year. I will watch, Greg will probably come up to watch as well. Brian may be here, but he typically goes to his parents' place. I could do that as well, but I spent most of yesterday with my parents, so I probably won't. Regardless, I'm sure it will be a good enough time :).

Friday!

Well, the week is finally over. Thank god! It's been just an ugly week. I'm finally just about back to normal, though I seem to still have the remnants of a cough. I can handle that though, there are worse things.

I'll go into more detail later.

It got better...........

Yes, to answer Karen, I have been very sick and haven't posted as a result. It's been difficult just making it through the day. Today, however, I'm feeling better. A good night's sleep and I should be right as rain tomorrow, and I promise I shall post for you ;)....

Sick still

Better now, but still pretty sick. I push myself too hard all year long for the most part, and then once a year my body just says…… “How ‘bout no? Is no good for you? ‘Cause I’m not doing it anymore, I’m done for a while.”

 

It’s been 5 days of little food because nothing sounds good, little sleep because of fevers/coughing. I still managed to go to work Thursday and Friday, but I couldn’t do it this morning. I feel better, but I still feel very physically weak, no strength at all.

 

Oh well, gotta rest sometime. Work will be crazy the rest of the week, so I might as well enjoy the rest now.

Sick

Blech, my crazy schedule finally caught up with me. I’m sick. I’m running a decent fever, and I can’t even think about eating. Just choking down some Propel fitness water is difficult.

 

It’s times like these that being alone really, really sucks. That has to be one of the best things about having a significant other. Having someone to take care of you when you are sick.

"Aziz, Light!"

Well, this has been a long day. Let’s shed a little light on things, shall we?

 

 

Sunday was tough. Parents came over, and with my and my brother, we got the washer and dryer moved to a different part of the basement. Part of this was installing a sanitary tub as well. (You have no idea how difficult it is to wash a 28lb cat in a standard bathtub!!!!!!!!) So, we ran new plumbing, new electric, and new dyer exhaust ducts. My brother and dad worked on the plumbing, and I did the rest. I’m good at electric work, having had my apprentice license for a while in college, so that was cake. Running the duct work was a little more difficult, and I ate up my hands pretty good. Talk about death from 1000 papercuts!!  My brother and dad finally got everything done, and it all works without any leaks. I’m very pleased, and the whole place looks different. I’m very thankful for their help.

 

While we were doing this, mom went ahead and painted my room upstairs. It was extremely nice of her, and it’s really cool to have things changed. I had not painted the room since the house was built, and that room carries an awful lot of memories. I can now make new memories in a room that looks nothing like the one my ex and I used to sleep in, and I can tell you that makes a big difference. For now, I am simply thankful to have family that will work hard to help me make things the way I want them. It’s sooooooo hard to get started when you are on your own. Mom and dad made it easy this weekend, and I will be much happier as a result.

The Gnomes are Holding Secret Rituals!

Just Look, what else could it be?

Insomnia2

Well, what an odd day. My insomnia continued last night. So after the lack of sleep Thursday night, I went home from work and took like a 20 minute nap. That helped a little. Then I couldn't fall asleep until 3AM. I woke up at 7:45AM when Chloe got up for the morning. She was very loud this morning, and that killed any thought of sleeping in.


However, today was a good day. Since I was up early, I started cleaning, and darned if I didn't completely redo the entire basement. I moved everything around, cleaned real good, I even rewired some of the outlets. I hadn't changed the area since I moved in, so it was time. It looks much better. I feel much better, I actually got something accomplished today.

The insomnia is worrying. This is a somewhat normal cycle for me, but it means that my brain is working on something. At this point it's all completely subconcious. It sounds weird, I know, but it's just how things work for me. At some point, my subconcious will give way, and I'll understand what's going on. I just hope that point is soon. If this is anything like the last time this happened, it was about 2 weeks before I could sleep again.

Insomnia

Well, after such a lovely week so far, last night took the cake. I watched the Crosstown Shootout, then wasn’t tired so watched some SportsCenter until midnight. Went to bed, couldn’t get comfortable, so was up until 1AM. No problem, right? Don’t have to get up until 7:00AM, maybe 7:30, should be good, right? Hehehe, hahahahaha, not so my friend!

 

            At 4:54AM by my clock (which is 5 minutes fast) I was WIDE awake. Not a wake up, go back to sleep, no. Stone cold sober, full brain function, no way in hell I’m going back to sleep AWAKE. I tried to at least get tired again by laying with eyes closed for 20 minutes. Hehe, right, that’s going to work. Even the cat being curled up in my side didn’t help like it normally does. So, I got up and came into work.

 

I hate the way my mind works sometimes. Oh well, I’ll post more later.

No updates

Yes, yes, I know no updates. The past few days have been super busy.

 

I’m ultra-stressed at the moment. Too much going on, not enough time to get it all done. To add on to that, one of my customers is really getting on my last nerve. I had 45 emails from various people at that organization THIS MORNING that I had to answer.

 

Although it may not appear so, I am human, and there is only so much I can do. This whole week really has me down. Actually, I think emotionally I’m the most down I’ve been in probably 6 months today. Nothing seems to go right. I chipped a tooth, which I can’t afford to get fixed until week after next. I have a massive headache as a result, and 1500mg of aspirin didn’t do a damn thing to help with that. I almost wrecked 4 times getting into work this morning, partially due to stupid people, partially due to the fact that my car is POS and doesn’t like to stay straight in good weather.

 

The tooth bugs me, a lot. It means another month of not having the extra money I’ve been needing because I need to have it fixed. Not only is it a visible chip, it’s painful. Damnit, another $300 I didn’t want to spend.

 

Somehow, I get up every morning. Days like today I wonder why I bother.

Relaxation Time

Well, last weekend for Joe Hsu to be in town, he leaves to return to China on Sunday morning. We went out to dinner last night, and I believe we are going to go to the Montgomery Inn this afternoon for a final nice meal type of thing. I probably shouldn't spend the money, but I'm going to anyway :).

This has got to be one of the funniest things I've seen.......... and I've seen (and done) a lot.

Considering how much caffeine I consume in a day, this study might prove to end up being a good thing if I ever find a woman to share things with again :).

Ok, that's enough random thoughts from me this morning. Have a good weekend!!!

Friday

Well, it's Friday. This week has flown by.

I'm still not smoking. This week has been much better. I think I can really do it this time.

My decision to not hang out with everyone has been a bit harder. I still feel like this is the right choice, but I'm going to be really lonely until I can get some new friendships cultivated. 2 nights this week I sat home by myself because everyone went to Al's place. Those nights were pretty long. I tried to fill the time cleaning and straightening up the house. I was at least partially successful.

Why does doing the right thing always have to be so difficult?

Holy Busy Days Batman!

Ok, sorry for the no update for a few days, things have been crazy. Work has been really busy this week, lots of broken things to fix, lots of unbroken things to setup.


Morning Contemplation: They say that all good things come to those who wait. However, They also say Carpe Diem.
Conclusion: Do They really have any idea what They are talking about?


Note: This should have been posted this morning, but the email evidently didn't work for whatever reason.

Public Service Announcement

Remember they are always after you!!! This man knows!

Alright Saturday!

Whew, what a brutal week. Still no cigarettes though! I'm very happy about that, and I feel better already. My friend Joe is staying here an extra week before he goes back to China, so that's great as well. Tomorrow we shall go get drunk and watch the Bengals! Hehe, it may not seem like much, but life is grand at the moment :).

Hehe, if I lived in Austin, Tx., I'd be here right now!

The Hobbit Feast!


And now, a random picture from a random location in my files!

This one's just for Karen, since she absolutely loves this cat!!!!!!

Day 4

Alrighty. Four Days, no smokes! Although I’ve had some hellacious cravings today, and in the past 3 days, I’ve managed to stay off the smokes so far. It’s a lot tougher than I was expecting this time, but still not as bad as I was fearing it would be.

 

I’ve kept my exposure to smokers to a minimum, choosing to not go out than to hang with smokers. This won’t be permanent, just until I can safely kick the habit without temptation. I’ve made sure there are no smokes in the house, in the car, at work, etc. That helps a lot, since I refuse to pay $5 for a pack. I gave away all the Chinese cigarettes that Joe brought back this time, so those are gone.

 

I’ve been very anxious. I’ve not had the anger this time that I’ve had in the past. I’ve been very scatterbrained. 3 times I’ve felt like I am tripping, complete with visuals. (Let’s just say it’s scary to start seeing things in the middle of a client’s office, and KNOW that you are seeing them and they aren’t real). That’s kind of fun in a way, but only if you KNOW what’s happening and why.

 

I need to do laundry bad to get the smoke smell out of my clothes. That’s easier said than done, since I live with two others with a baby. I thought I was bad with laundry, ehehehehehe, not anymore. They must go through enough clothes to keep half of Pakistan warm for the winter…….

 

 

/Snicker

Can you imagine someone trying to open a place like what this guy is talking about somewhere in Cincinnati? Can you imagine the uproar it would cause? Wouldn’t it be wonderful to have the money to try it?

 

http://wired.com/news/culture/0,69948-0.html?tw=wn_tophead_5