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25 things I know about myself

This is from Facebook, but I thought it interesting enough to post on the blog, since I sync them up anyway ;)

 

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it is because I want to know more about you.

 

 

1.       There are times when I feel like I am living someone else’s life, as I can do things I never thought myself capable of before.

 

2.       I’d rather work on 3 or 4 things at once than one thing at a time.

 

3.       I am not afraid anymore

 

4.       I dream in very vivid color, every night, though  I usually don’t remember specifics

 

5.       I believe that the only people that should be given power are the ones that don’t want it.

 

6.       I think sometimes I was born 200 years too late or 200 years too early

 

7.       I have more freckles than just about anyone else I know, and in more places, such as the bottoms of my feet.

 

8.       I have watched the sun rise over the Atlantic Ocean, and the sun set over the Pacific Ocean.

 

9.       I have swam in the Atlantic Ocean, the Pacific Ocean, the Gulf of Mexico, the Gulf of California, the Caribbean Sea, all 5 of the great Lakes, and more rivers and lakes and various bodies of water than I could name.

 

10.   I have been outside when it’s 125 degrees, and when it’s 30 below no wind chill.

 

11.   I have never been in a better place personally in my entire life.

 

12.   I have free dived to a depth of over 100 feet.

 

13.   I am a science dork in my free time. Currently reading :  http://quantumenigma.com/

 

14.   I need to start playing music again

 

15.   I do not own a book that I have not read at LEAST twice, and I own a LOT of books.

 

16.   I have setup a network in a hotel room to play games with friends, AFTER just spending 4 days playing games with them at a LANParty.

 

17.   I have given a speech in front of more than 3000 people.

 

18.   I am actually quite shy

 

19.   I love technology, and love my job because of the fact that I get to work with it.

 

20.   I “see” the streets in my head when I think about directions or give someone else directions.

 

21.   I think everybody should be cool, this is a robbery

 

22.   I think the next 20 years will bring changes that none of us can foresee.

 

23.   I haz a flavor

 

24.   I think on my feet really well

 

25.   I truly believe that love and kindness can conquer pretty much anything

A New Year

Indeed, it IS a new year. Time for some reflection, and for some celebration!

 

Quite a bit happened in my life this year. I was engaged, but canceled the wedding after realizing that I was not in the right relationship. New friendships started, other friendships ended, and old friends I had not spoken with in many years re-entered my life at times. I sprained my MCL, broke my collarbone, and partially tore my rotator cuff. I got my black belt in June, and began pursuing a 2^nd degree black belt with passion and zeal.

 

I met people that changed my life in many ways. Each added their own unique push as I made the journey of self discovery this year.

 

Most importantly, I found something very important this year.  I found myself. I found confidence I didn’t know I had. I found that I had more control over most areas of my life than I thought. I found that I could do things I never thought possible. I continued to do the right things, eat the right things, and lose weight, to the point I weigh less now than I did in high school, but am capable of so much more. I discovered that through patience and perseverance pretty much anything is possible.

 

In many ways, 2008 was the best year of my life.

 

And yet, I realize now that I am just beginning to discover what I am really capable of. I have set the foundation to build upon, and it is finally solid. I know who I am now, and now it’s time to grow even more. I learn each day how to remove the limitations I had trapped myself with.

 

2009 is going to be a GREAT year!

Storms, and birthdays, and crashes, oh my!

This past week has been a whirlwind, no pun intended.

 

So the big windstorm that was the remnants of Hurricane Ike went through the city on Sunday afternoon and caused a royal mess. Close to 900,000 people without power. 90% of the houses in my neighborhood got some type of damage, though thankfully my house escaped damage. Also fortunately, I got my power back late Sunday night. There are still a good chunk of people without power today. It’s made for some crazy times this week.

 

Work’s been a little crazy trying to get customers situations straightened out. Most things have been small, except for yesterday.

 

Yesterday, I had a nice easy day planned. It was my birthday after all! However, that’s not the way it worked out. I had a customer get power back early that morning, and their server was fried. Hardcore fried to the point I couldn’t do anything with it. So the rest of yesterday, and all day today, and probably all day tomorrow, I am trying to restore from backups to a new server to get them running again. It’s a very slow, tedious, and nerve-racking process.

 

So, the birthday came and went this year quietly. I’m thankful for that. I did get out to lunch with Karen (simple and quick at Applebees), and she got them to sing for me. I find that type of thing embarrassing normally, but it was actually nice yesterday. And it was good to catch up with Karen. And then I got a wonderful gift from Andrea that night after class. She made a homemade dinner (stuffed shells) and brought it over for me to enjoy. She also got me a framed quote, one of my favorites from The Way of the Peaceful Warrior. The quote is:

 

Knowledge alone does not suffice; it has no heart. No amount of knowledge will nourish or sustain your spirit; it can never bring you happiness or peace. Life requires more than knowledge; it requires intense feeling and constant energy.

 

It was a very thoughtful gift!

 

All in all, it’s another year past, and another started. I’m in a good place to start this one for a change, and I am positive it will be a good year.

Status Quo

Yes, I haven’t updated in a while. I know, I’m a horrible blogger ;).

 

 

What’s new with me? The simple answer is not much. I did get to go on a wonderful vacation to San Francisco a few weeks ago. That was extraordinarily nice. What a fun city to visit!

 

Other than that, it’s been Kung Fu and work.  Fu is difficult. Black Belt really ramps things up again. I’m enjoying the challenge for the most part though. I did find out that my shoulder is not really healed. I have a visit with a specialist this Thursday, after my MRI two weeks ago shows a torn rotator cuff. I’m not looking forward to the surgery for that if that is indeed what it is.

 

Overall, I am not where I thought I would be at this point. Nothing has quite happened the way I thought it would. That’s life for you though. I may not be where I thought I would be, but I am evidently where I am supposed to be. Trying to figure out what I should be learning from everything going on is not particularly easy, but that’s ok. I’m starting to understand myself a little better.

 

I have had some good experiences and some bad since I posted last. I’ve met some great people, and I’ve had my spirit uplifted a bit by some of them. I’ve reconnected with some other people from my past, one in particular, and that has been very interesting.  I will not bore you with details. I will however try to post more to keep things updated better.

 

 

Fortune

My fortune from my dinner last night with my best friend from high school, who I hadn’t seen in perhaps 8 years….

 

 

Hope is the most precious treasure to a person

 

 

Very apropos I think, for many reasons

Update

Yes, no updates recently. I've been busy. Check out the two pics above. Karen was gracious enough to come to my black belt test and take some pics. And yes, I passed!

Doorways

So, my cat Guiness and I have been playing this game for a few weeks now, and it occurred to me that there may be a lesson here as well.

 

Guiness tries to escape to the outside whenever I go out of the house. I primarily use the garage door, so what she will do is she will hide when I’m getting ready to leave, and when she hears me approaching the garage door, she’ll run to try to get out before I notice her. Most of the time I catch her, but sometimes not. However, at times, I’ll open the door from the kitchen to the garage without the outside garage door being up. Guiness does not understand this. Sometimes, the door from the kitchen is an escape. Sometimes, it leads to a dark closed room. When the outside garage door is down, and she goes to run into the garage, she’ll stop, look around a bit, then head back into the house, as obviously there is no outside to escape to here. When this happens, her disappointment is almost palpable. But it never, ever stops her. She’s ready to run to the door when I get close to it the next time. And sometimes she knows she will be right, and there will be an exit. So she keeps trying.

 

We all have doorways in our own lives. Sometimes they lead somewhere, sometimes they don’t. Sometimes the same door does both in our own lives.

 

I am very similar to my cat. I take doors, knowing they can lead to both disappointment and to fulfillment. Sometimes, I don’t know which one a certain door will lead to, but I still open it, because sometimes, just sometimes, Guiness is right, and there is a way.

Sometimes

Sometimes, I want to stand up and shout “I am here” to a world that mostly doesn’t seem to notice my existence.

 

Sometimes, I take the long way home just because.

 

Sometimes, the sun doesn’t seem very bright or very warm.

 

Sometimes, I think my cats are smarter than I am.

 

Sometimes, I wonder why things play out the way that they do.

 

Sometimes, I get lost in my own thoughts for hours, like yesterday.

 

Sometimes, I wonder why I am so different from most people I know, and why I just can’t get into the “normal” things they are into.

 

Sometimes, I wonder if this is all a supreme cosmic joke.

 

Sometimes, I feel like I am in on that joke.

 

Sometimes, I feel like I am the butt of that joke.

Sunny Days

The past few days have been gorgeous. I can’t say I’ve taken full advantage of it. I did lay out in the sun long enough yesterday while playing sick from work to get a nice burn, but my time has mostly been spent thinking, which I think is appropriate since I was supposed to have gotten married this past Saturday.

 

I won’t say that this was a good thing. I turned off my phone for the most part, and didn’t talk to anyone. I’m trying to figure out if I’m really on the path I’m supposed to be on at this point. I think I am, and I think the struggles I am going through support that argument, but it’s really hard right now.

 

I’m having some pretty serious self confidence issues. Nothing I seem to do works out the way I want it to. I’ve lost tons of weight, but don’t feel attractive in the slightest. I’m considered the best tech where I work, but I feel like I can’t do anything right recently.

 

How many times does one have to pick oneself off the floor, just to get knocked back down? And when is it smarter to stay down?

Insight

Isn’t that what we all really want? Insight into how someone else is thinking? Insight into how to better do your job, your marriage, your life?

 

The insight we all really need, myself included, is insight into why we do things we do. I’m notorious for building things up in my head only to be sorely disappointed when it doesn’t happen the way I wanted it to. Why do I do this? And how do I stop doing this?

 

I look at my life, and the things that aren’t right, and I try to take steps to make things better. To a great extent I am successful. However, when it’s something I really, really, really (yes, really x 3) want, then caution gets thrown to the wind. I prepare for the event or action that I want to happen, and it gets built up in my head until anything less than perfection is a disappointment. And then the event or action rolls around, and as we know perfection never happens. So even when I get what I want, I’m still not satisfied because it’s not everything I want it to be.

 

There is one area in particular that I am absolutely horrible at this, and it really hurts to say I don’t seem to have learned my lesson there.

 

I have tried to start mitigating this. How? By expecting and anticipating nothing. “Well,” you may say, “that sounds like a crappy way to go through life.” I disagree. By taking away expectations, everything that happens is a bonus. I wasn’t expecting to hear from so and so, and then I do, and that’s awesome. I wasn’t expecting to have something to do on Friday, but then I do, and that’s great. The negatives don’t seem so negative because I wasn’t expecting the opposite.

 

This all goes back to experience each moment as it comes, and stop worrying about the future and things you can’t control. It’s a daily struggle, and it’s never easy. Most assuredly not easy when there are things in life you really want.  

Ordinary moments

How many times do we waste away the day waiting for something to end, a meeting or task or whatever? How often do we ignore the present thinking about what we will have for dinner, or what we will do later on?

 

This is my challenge to you, and something I have been challenging myself on everyday for the past 2 months. Remember that there are no ordinary moments. There is no future, only a continuing series of NOW. Exist fully in each moment. Take no experience, good or bad, for granted. Everything you do, from opening a can of vegetables, to driving your car to work, to spending time with your children, to confessing something important to someone close to you, is a unique opportunity to exist here and now and to learn. It’s amazing what you can learn from mundane tasks, and how much quicker they will go when you let go and simply exist.

 

What’s also amazing is how much happier you will be. When you find yourself caught up in worrying about what’s coming next or what you are going to do, LET IT GO. Tell yourself that,  “Let it go!”

Hello Stranger

Yes, it’s been quite some time since I posted last. There are many reasons for that, but none of them are really important.

 

 

The collarbone is healed for the most part. I still have a significant amount of pain, but that’s normal according to the doctor. My left side is waaaay weaker than my right side at this point, and that’s frustrating. I’m working on it though.

 

Preparations for black belt test in June are going well. I feel great, I haven’t lost any ground due to being injured. This is mostly because I’m too stubborn to rest. This applies to a great many other areas of my life as well. It’s a blessing and curse at the same time.

 

I’ve begun meditating daily. Some days this is good, other days it is not. Clearing my mind is not always an easy task for me. But I keep trying, and that’s the main thing. Practice, practice, practice.

 

I finally feel very comfortable in my own space. The house is mine again, and I’ve started rearranging things and adding new things to make it feel more like my home. It CAN get lonely, but such is life. I have worked to cultivate some healthy friendships with Fu folks, and those are very fulfilling. It’s wonderful to be part of such a good group of people, and to know that they believe I belong there.

 

I sometimes wonder exactly what it is that I have started for myself. I am not the same person I was even a year ago. I feel like I have come far, but have so far yet to go. Some things have worked as I intended, and others have not gone as I would have wished.

 

Each day is a challenge to be the person that I know I can be, and most days I am up to that task.

Update

According to the doctor, I am at least a week ahead of where I should be healing wise. I have mobility of about 3 weeks after break, not 10 days. So, the meditative process is definitely helping!

A few things

A brief rundown of things.

 

I suffered a grade 2 MCL sprain at my last test in December. I was at least able to finish the test, and pass. One more belt to go before black!

 

The time since then has been a haze of pain and turmoil, with everything happening so fast. Dealing with the knee, and then dealing with everything going on personally has been trying at the best of times.

 

Then last Monday I broke my collarbone. I did a drop kick, landed on the shoulder, and I heard it snap when I hit. So did a few other people. I drove myself to the ER after I was able to get the pain under control.

 

 Totally unexpected, and really emphasized that there are indeed times it truly sucks to be alone. It also meant that I did not get to participate in the Fine Arts Fund demo this weekend for the dojo, which was a major bummer. However, the outpouring of support I have gotten from everyone has been really great. Jen has come over and helped me several times, and has been wonderfully sweet about it. Jen Wren came over last week to help me as well. Michele baked me a handmade lasagna and brought it over on Saturday, complete with fresh bread and snickerdoodles. Rachel has come over to help me. My brother and his wife made homemade vegetable soup and brought that over as well.

 

Honestly, last Tuesday I was really, really down about everything, and being alone for 4 to 6 weeks healing wasn’t an enticing prospect. Fu is my only social activity, and not being able to go made me really sad. However, knowing that I have lots of people that will go out of their way to help me has been a huge shot in the arm, and though I’m still in a lot of pain, I feel ready to tackle the healing process and get back to where I belong.

 

I’ve been trying something to help with the healing. As I’ve been getting more into meditation, I’ve been trying to meditate with a specific image in mind. I imagine thousands of tiny construction workers repairing the damage that I’ve done. I see the doctor tomorrow, so I’m interested to hear from him where I’m at compared to where I should be.

The Shore

I swim in this ocean we call life.

 

We start on the shore in our mother’s womb. It’s safe, it’s warm, and that’s all we need.

 

We grow a little older, and we wade in the shallows. When big waves come along, we retreat to the safety of home, of the shore.

 

We get to high school and college, and we are tempted to wade further out. Never quite leaving the bottom, we still manage to get in over our heads sometimes, but the safety of shore is never truly far from sight.

 

And then we HAVE to make our own way. We hear rumors of ANOTHER shore, some other place away beyond our sight. But to get there, we have to step out on our own.

 

Some of us never really make that step. We live in the same areas as our parents, our friends from high school, our flotsam collected along the way. We never lose sight of that first shore we came from, playing just beyond the breakers, but never pushing further.  It makes us feel safer, not being in that great big ocean alone.

 

Some of us push off and make our way into deeper waters. We swim out past where we can see the shore. But we keep trying to look back, keep trying to keep our heads above water. We swim against the currents to try to get to some predetermined location we have fixed in our minds. And so eventually we either drown, or we swim back to the shore because it’s too hard to do otherwise.

 

We can flounder and splash and complain on the surface all we want, but the ocean never changes, never hears, never cares.

 

Still fewer of us  push off and never look back. We swim in the currents, letting them push us where they want us to go. They help us conserve energy. They do occasionally push us away from people we’d rather not part with, but we trust the currents are taking us in the right direction. We ride out the storms by diving underneath the turbulent surface to the calm water underneath. They help us see that trouble is usually very shallow. And we keep going, keep swimming, never quite knowing that there is something else out there, but sure that we can never go back to where we were.

 

 

And so, I keep swimming. Always forward, and never back.

 

 

 

 

 

Point of View

 I have my own unique point of view on the world. We all do. It’s part of what makes us individuals, unlike any other entity on this planet.

 

I have yet to meet another person that has a point of view similar to mine. A few of my friends share bits and pieces of mine, but not mine entirely.

 

I spend a lot of time thinking about various things. As Karen put it, I exist at a “deeper level” than 98% of the people out there. This contributes to my point of view being different, and it also contributes to the fact that I HAVE an educated point of view on almost any topic someone brings up. I’ve thought about it, researched it, and formulated some type of opinion on it based on the facts of the subject at hand. I’ve also experienced a lot in my short life, lived through some things that most people shouldn’t have to live through, lived through some things that most people SHOULD have to live through. It gives me a wealth of background for almost any question that comes up.

 

However, there are two downsides to this.

 

1)      I frequently find that I have to tell someone “Live my life the way I have, then you’ll understand why I feel this way” on particular subjects. I can’t always explain why I am the way I am, just that certain actions or feelings are just right for me based on my past experiences.

2)      I wonder sometimes if there is anyone out there who can see my whole self and understand. This does not have to be a romantic involvement, just some type of kindred soul who can really understand me. So far I have not found that person, which leads me to conclude so far that I am truly alone in my understanding of this world.

 

 

Note, the last sentence really does concern me on a base level. While it would be nice, it’s not necessary to my survival. I’m always been content with myself and who I am. And I never worry about making my own decisions, even when everyone else I know is against what I may decide.

 

Anyways, one of the myriad things I’ve been thinking about.

 

 

 

Footprints on the heart

Some people enter and leave our lives with haste.

 

Other people stay a while.

 

They grace us with new understanding.

 

They show us parts of the world hidden from us.

 

They leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same.

 

 

(not an original creation of mine, just something that struck me)

What do you say?

I see the world in a different light.

You see day, I see night.

Who's to say which is right?

I pour my soul into my life,

I get in return disbelief and strife.

Even when I explain my side,

and try to take your barbs in stride,

you still hurt what's left of my pride.

Others judge on incomplete facts,

and give you their own tacts.

Yet they can't know what's left inside,

Do you?

Hiatus

Last post for a very long time most likely. This place no longer serves my intended purpose, and there is too much else that I need to deal with. I'm also turning off comments altogether.