End of February thoughts

Yep, tomorrow is already the end of February. No, I can’t really believe it either. This year is going to fly by like the last one did.

Here’s a small list of things I am thinking about right now…………….

1) I live very much in the now, and I think that conflicts with an awful lot of people that love to plan for the future.
2) The kitten is slowly turning into a cat, and a good one at that!
3) I’m consistently amazed at people that send things from work email addresses. Do you all really not understand that ALL of it is monitored, and that it’s now MANDATED FEDERALLY that employers keep email for at least 7 years? And that even jokes that seem harmless can get you fired?
4) Part of me is always in another place, another time.
5) I am always disappointed whenever anyone brings up anything political. I can only think of 3 people that can talk intelligently about anything without paraphrasing or ripping off the media on the subject.
6) How do you have any type of consistent and decent life with a partner who’s not there a good portion of the time? Can you have totally separate lives and yet be together? Don’t you really HAVE to have separate lives?
7) Does anybody really know what time it is? Does anybody really care? (The better question is, should we?)
8) Look up some information on a project called Atlantropa. Fascinating, and doomed by politics back in the 1920’s.
9) I believe less and less in democracy every day. I believe more in a true republic or even a truly benevolent dictator. Unfortunately, power attracts the corruptible, so it will never happen. The only people truly worthy to wield power are those who don’t want to do it.
10) I believe the human species ONLY hope long term is space and colonization. If we stay on this planet, we will kill ourselves off one way or another. And sooner rather than later.

Negative:

I find myself frustrated a lot right now. Things aren’t moving fast enough in any one single area of my life, other than Kung Fu where I’m ahead of schedule. It’s not that I try less in anything else, but that’s the only area that I have complete control over what happens. I do the best I can everywhere else, and it feels like I’m waiting. Consistently waiting on someone else to do something, ANYTHING!

Work=boredom right now. I’m waiting for the sales guy to get up to speed so that I have something to do. I take care really good care of my customers, which means I don’t have much to do. It’s a nasty paradox. I study where I can, but the rest of the time is busywork that’s WAY below my skills. But there is so much busywork that I end up working a ton, which sucks.

The new sales guy is annoying. He is so over the top that I can’t listen to him for more than 5 minutes without being sick. All I can say is that it better translate into some good projects, or I’m really going to start questioning the judgement of the people that run the place.

Positive:

With Jen’s house finally getting sold, we can move forward with planning the actual wedding, which we will start doing probably next week. It will take some time to get things set, but it’s nice to finally get started.

Did my taxes over the weekend, and ended up with a pretty decent return this year.

For the first time since I was in high school, I now weigh less than 200lbs.

Musings

I found out this weekend that yes, I can break boards with my hands and feet. And do it in front of 150 people too ;). It’s something I never thought I would learn to do! (And I’m going to try concrete before too long……)

 

I really can’t stand people that are enthusiastic about everything. I’m sorry, but it just seems fake. Do your job, and shut the hell up, I could care less that you are excited to do it. I do mine, and I do it well, but I don’t pester people by telling them how much I love what I do.

 

There are times I miss being an “ultra geek”. I no longer have 5 or 6 PCs running at my house, and I no longer have spares for friends to play on when they come over. This really isn’t a bad thing, but I definitely don’t learn as much as I used to, if you can believe that. I no longer eat, sleep, and drink tech stuff.

 

In a rare thing for me, I can’t honestly tell you the last time I was let down by one of my friends. I think this has a lot to do with changing the group I hang out with most of the time. I don’t miss that part of my old life at all.

 

I find it hard to blog recently. And I’m not sure why.

Hiding

We hide from ourselves. We tell ourselves that we want certain things, when we don’t. We tell ourselves we don’t want other things, when we really do.

 

I believe that one of the true definitions of enlightenment is the ability to be completely truthful with oneself. This is not an easy task.

 

The true bitch of it is this: Even when you can be completely honest with yourself, it’s nearly impossible to find someone else you can share that with! So we play the game of judging what people want to hear vs. what they SHOULD hear.

 

And when it’s someone really important to you in some way, that leads to hiding things from yourself, simply because there is no other way to do it. You can’t speak the truth without hurting the other person, and you can’t lie to yourself because you know better. So your subconscious starts hiding certain things from you, and eventually the real truth gets muddled down in all the half facts and convenient truths that we tell ourselves to make the path easier. It’s human nature to take the path of least resistance.

 

I’m no better at this than anyone else, but I at least try to be cognizant of the fact that I AM at times telling people what they want to hear. And I try to find a place in every conversation where I can smoothly switch over the real truth for people that I think CAN handle it.

 

It’s hard, and sometimes it’s lonely. But ultimately I think the striving for it makes me, and those around me, better.

Cold

Other than frigidly cold, the weekend was alright. Jen and I stayed in Friday night after she got home. I made breakfast for her Saturday morning, then we took her car back. I went to the dojo for 2 hours while she napped on the couch and did some laundry. Then Greg, Brian, and Kris came over for some gaming while Jen and Darlene watched a movie. It worked out to be a pretty nice night for everyone really.

 

Sunday was low key, which was great. We had Jen’s sister up, along with Greg and Brian, to watch the game. I’m glad the Colts won, so now the press can stop harping on Manning. Good stuff all around.

 

A little under the weather today, just too cold to get moving right. These days really bother my joints. I’m debating class tonight, though the rest of the week doesn’t look any better, so I should probably go regardless.

Long week

Howdy, where to start?

 

It’s been a long week with Jen out of town. I put in a lot of time at work, which is fine. Drove to Indianapolis yesterday for a call. I got to see another friend from California last night, which was good. I put my time in at the dojo, and got a few other things done as well.

 

Resolution update……. I’ve been good! I can feel the difference in my body already, and it’s a good thing.

 

Mentally, the nightmares have stopped. I’m still having very vivid dreams like before, but they at least aren’t frightening.

 

I’ve come to the realization this week that I’m really not missing my past anymore. There have been times when I missed the big group getting together and having fun, but those times have been past for nearly a year now. I’m at peace with myself and the decisions I’ve made. My true friends see this, and they are happy about it. My old group sees me the way that I was, and believe that I need to get back to who I was. They miss getting together and having our large group the way it was.

 

Why? I didn’t like the person I was then. Why do I want to open old wounds and deal with people I really don’t care for anymore? Why do I want to do these things when I have a new group of friends that doesn’t care who I was then? They care who I am now, and they are good for me. But I’m not doing things the way that some people think I should be, and so therefore I must not be better. I must be holding on to something that’s going to cause me problems with Jen, or with my new life, according to their opinions.

 

I’ve made peace with my past. I know my mistakes and try to avoid making them now. I’ve put the bad things behind me, and that includes people that aren’t healthy for me. It’s a tough set of choices I’ve had to make. (And yes, I was forced into making them because of the situation, I didn’t want to make them.) But I’ve come through it, I’m better for it, and I’m content with how things turned out. I wish others could see that I’m content and stop trying to interfere with my new life.

 

My new life is crammed full of good things and good people. And that’s because I chose to make it that way. Everyone has to grow and change, and that’s what I’ve done.

 

Endings mean new beginnings, even if the ending itself is painful and the beginning is hard to see. But too many of us, myself included, hang on to try to prevent the ending parts. Without death (in a metaphoric type of sense), there cannot be new life. Cut the life support, and get on with your new beginning………………….and learn what it is to be free.

 

I have, so can you.