Doorways

So, my cat Guiness and I have been playing this game for a few weeks now, and it occurred to me that there may be a lesson here as well.

 

Guiness tries to escape to the outside whenever I go out of the house. I primarily use the garage door, so what she will do is she will hide when I’m getting ready to leave, and when she hears me approaching the garage door, she’ll run to try to get out before I notice her. Most of the time I catch her, but sometimes not. However, at times, I’ll open the door from the kitchen to the garage without the outside garage door being up. Guiness does not understand this. Sometimes, the door from the kitchen is an escape. Sometimes, it leads to a dark closed room. When the outside garage door is down, and she goes to run into the garage, she’ll stop, look around a bit, then head back into the house, as obviously there is no outside to escape to here. When this happens, her disappointment is almost palpable. But it never, ever stops her. She’s ready to run to the door when I get close to it the next time. And sometimes she knows she will be right, and there will be an exit. So she keeps trying.

 

We all have doorways in our own lives. Sometimes they lead somewhere, sometimes they don’t. Sometimes the same door does both in our own lives.

 

I am very similar to my cat. I take doors, knowing they can lead to both disappointment and to fulfillment. Sometimes, I don’t know which one a certain door will lead to, but I still open it, because sometimes, just sometimes, Guiness is right, and there is a way.

Sometimes

Sometimes, I want to stand up and shout “I am here” to a world that mostly doesn’t seem to notice my existence.

 

Sometimes, I take the long way home just because.

 

Sometimes, the sun doesn’t seem very bright or very warm.

 

Sometimes, I think my cats are smarter than I am.

 

Sometimes, I wonder why things play out the way that they do.

 

Sometimes, I get lost in my own thoughts for hours, like yesterday.

 

Sometimes, I wonder why I am so different from most people I know, and why I just can’t get into the “normal” things they are into.

 

Sometimes, I wonder if this is all a supreme cosmic joke.

 

Sometimes, I feel like I am in on that joke.

 

Sometimes, I feel like I am the butt of that joke.

Sunny Days

The past few days have been gorgeous. I can’t say I’ve taken full advantage of it. I did lay out in the sun long enough yesterday while playing sick from work to get a nice burn, but my time has mostly been spent thinking, which I think is appropriate since I was supposed to have gotten married this past Saturday.

 

I won’t say that this was a good thing. I turned off my phone for the most part, and didn’t talk to anyone. I’m trying to figure out if I’m really on the path I’m supposed to be on at this point. I think I am, and I think the struggles I am going through support that argument, but it’s really hard right now.

 

I’m having some pretty serious self confidence issues. Nothing I seem to do works out the way I want it to. I’ve lost tons of weight, but don’t feel attractive in the slightest. I’m considered the best tech where I work, but I feel like I can’t do anything right recently.

 

How many times does one have to pick oneself off the floor, just to get knocked back down? And when is it smarter to stay down?