The Weekend, and Dreams

Well, the weekend was pretty good overall. Jen and I went out for a casual dinner on Friday night in Chicago, then got up to help her roommate move out. This was pretty easy and was over quickly. Then we went to a few malls in the Chicago area to do some leisurely shopping and spend the day together. This was capped with a nice quiet dinner at a local brewery. We went home and actually fell asleep early. We got up early to go to one of Jen’s soccer games, where I was recruited to serve as a human ladder so they could put the nets up. After that we had another couple’s massage, which was fantastic, though both of us are actually sore today afterwards.

 

 

So, there this that’s really bothering me and I haven’t been able to figure out how to put into words.

 

On Thursday, I found a notebook in my closet while cleaning things out and getting ready for Jen to move down. This notebook was in my ex-wife’s handwriting. So, I of course had to open it and read it. That was incredibly dumb of me. The notebook contained approximately 18 months or so of all the things that she bottled up towards the end of the marriage. These are all of things that came out with such a vengeance at very end. Most of these were things that I had no idea were going on. Some of them I knew about, but those were definitely in the minority.

 

To see these laid out in order, and to see that all of these were there but never talked about is somewhat frustrating. I’m sure that some of the non-communication was my fault somehow, but I’m certain, especially after seeing this, that not all of it was. Not even most of it I think. Taken individually, each of these things could have been solved at the time they happened, had they been brought up and dealt with. Bottled up for at least 18 months (for these written things anyway), there was no way in hell we had any chance whatsoever.

 

Seeing these in this way makes me angry. Considering what was written, the last few months were nothing more than a ploy for her to get more time. She had her mind made up at least 6 months before papers were filed. I feel like I was led to believe there may have been a chance, and that I jumped through hoops for waaaaaaayyyy too long to try to fix something that wasn’t fixable. Yes yes, I get that some of this was my own fault. That I wanted to see that chance. However, after reading the notebook, I think some of it was premeditated as a form of revenge.

 

 

Anyways, I burned the notebook, along with a few other things I found from her at that time. This was strangely satisfying.

 

 

However, since Thursday, I have had dreams every night with my ex-wife in them. Some of them have been nightmares, some of them have been pleasant. But every night, she has been there. In some we are friends again, in others we are forced together at some type of event for a mutual friend. In most, I’m still with Jen. (In one or two they have even fought, which is strangely funny and exciting at the same time……)

 

 

 

So I don’t know what it means, other than I haven’t been getting much good sleep since Thursday…….  I’ll let you know if they continue……………..