Thoughts

So I've been giving several things a lot of thought since Thursday. My conversation Thursday night triggered some reflection.

At first I'll admit to being dismayed to find out that someone had shown my ex's blog to a few people evidently. I'm not sure why anyone would do this other than to try to hurt me in some way honestly. I'm sure my ex doesn't have anything nice to say about me. Which is a shame, because it not only doesn't tell the whole story, but it also doesn't reflect the fact that I really don't have anything bad to say about her anymore.

I realize that I meant what I said when I told my best friend that I really don't wish unhappiness on my ex anymore. I hope she finds whatever it is she is looking for.

I no longer believe that our relationship would have been fine in the long run if she had stayed and worked on the relationship as I asked in the end. There was too much that she couldn't give me that I needed, and I'm sure the reverse is true. If nothing else, I'm extremely active right now, bad foot and all, and that was something that she was never particularly fond of.

I have become the person that I think she saw before we got married, and I think I've taken it a step further. Through friends, I truly believe now that I have an impact on those around me, and it's positive all around.

My closer friends are beginning to emulate what I do in a few important ways. They have begun to stand up and fight for what they believe is right. They have begun to really think about the things they do on a daily basis and how it effects those around them. In addition, they have started to become dependable. I've had several instances in the past few weeks in which I've had no problem getting in touch with them when I need them, and that hasn't happened frankly in years.

Right after the divorce, I swore I would become a better person, and part of that was telling others the truth. I've done a remarkable job with that honestly since then. I've been somewhat worse at telling myself the truth.

It is the most difficult thing in the world to tell yourself the truth, especially when it's a truth you don't want to hear. It's much easier to pick out others' flaws than your own. It's a sobering experience to admit that you don't hang with someone because they remind you too much of yourself, not because they are deficient in some way.

It's a shock at first to realize that you haven't put any effort into finding that special someone because you have found the perfect person, but that person doesn't return the sentiment for some very good reasons. And to realize that you've never thought about it that way because it's "wrong" to think about it that way. (Hence I am a coward for never bringing it up, but I call it righteousness.)

This last part I'm sure isn't a shock to a lot of people out there that may read this, but it is to myself. I've never really admitted it to myself that I was waiting, waiting for something to happen I think. And if I hadn't recently admitted that to myself, I believe I would be waiting for a very long time, perhaps the rest of my life, and I would never know why I didn't make an attempt to find the person I need to meet to complete my life. I would end up always busy, always doing something that seems important but isn't, always making excuses for not asking someone out.


I am not a perfect person, have never claimed to be. I am constantly battling whatever demons I carry around with me. I'd like to think that I'm good enough at it nowadays that most never know I struggle with it sometimes.

Content

I am content at the moment. I had a wonderful evening with a very good friend. We had a wonderful conversation that ranged all over the place. It's amazing how much you miss those conversations when you don't have them.

I am also a coward, and I disguise it as righteousness ;).

Yeowch

I was right, therapy was fun this morning. Very painful, but the therapist wasn't unhappy with where I'm at right now. I'm still a little disappointed that it's not progressing faster, but there isn't anything I can do about that. Pushing too hard will be a very bad thing.


So I find myself wondering where my sense of humor has gone. I very rarely bring it out anymore, and I find myself increasingly unable to take even a modicum of kidding around. I have had a tendency to speak only when I feel it's important the past two weeks or so.

The worst part about this is that I really don't have a problem with it. I feel like everyone wants to bullshit and no one wants to stand up and take responsibility for anything. This is mostly in my outside life, but there are pieces at work as well. It's really nice to have a work environment that is easy going and likes to joke around, but that's frustrating when you are actually trying to get help with something.

Again, this is mostly in my personal, outside life. I'm sure some of this is pent-up frustration with the recovery from surgery, but not all of it is. It goes back to being on a different level than everyone else around me I think. There is so much work to be done on so many different levels in my life right now, and I feel like I'm just getting started. I'm really looking forward to growing this summer, really pushing myself in a few directions.

Ergh

I hurt today pretty bad, guess I pushed a little too hard over the weekend. Should make therapy tomorrow pretty fun I'm guessing.


There's not much to say right now. I'm just really in a zone for work and for healing. All of my energy feels like it's concentrated inwards right now. I'm having some difficulty interacting with others actually. I feel like I'm on a different level than everyone else right now. Not that my level is higher or lower necessarily, just that it's different. Focused is close to the word I want, but not quite all of the meaning I want, if that makes any sense.


The owners at work seem to be almost giddy about something. That makes me hopeful that good things are on the horizon.

Short

Not much to tell today.

I worked all weekend at Oasis. I installed a new server for them. Formatted all of their PCs, couple other things as well. Took most of Saturday, all of Sunday.

I had physical therapy this morning. Good, but painful, and early (7AM). Work was difficult today, and I didn't get home until around 8PM. Now I'm trying to sit still and let the ice do it's work on my aching foot.

I'm anxious to have my brother and his wife out of the house. It means more big changes for me I think. I'm getting the bug to make some of those changes, and make them soon.

I'm working on what to say about all of it.

Truth

The truth is difficult, always.

 

Who really wants to know that the world is not the place of sunshine and light that we thought it was when we were kids?

 

Who really wants to know that most people wouldn’t stop to give you the time of day, much less help someone in need?

 

Who really wants to know that your boss doesn’t think nearly as highly of you as you think he/she does?

 

Who really wants to know that the work that they do will mean absolutely nothing next year/10 years from now/100 years from now?

 

Who really wants to know that their great-great grandchildren won’t know any more about them than their names in all likelihood?

 

Even more difficult is telling yourself the truth, especially when you don’t want to know that it’s the truth.

 

Do you want to tell yourself that you aren’t quite as charming as you think you are so you can work on it? (No, I’m a lady/man killer)

 

Do you want to tell yourself that you aren’t in the same shape you were when you were 20? (No, still in great shape)

 

Do you really want to tell yourself that you didn’t get the promotion because you weren’t smart/good enough (No, it was politics, I swear)

 

Do you really want to tell yourself that you are racist/bigoted? (No, I have many diverse friends, I just can’t name any right now)

 

Do you really want to tell yourself that perhaps your life isn’t what you thought it was? (No, I have the perfect wife/husband, the perfect job, the perfect house)

 

Yet we all tell ourselves these lies on a daily basis. And it cheapens our existence. The old adage is really the truth: The truth shall set you free.

 

It’s scary to tell yourself the truth, but without it you can NEVER grow. You can wear sunglasses every day to block out the glare from the truth, but you will NEVER see all the colors that are out there.

 

You will grow old and wonder where your youth went.

 

You will grow old and wonder why you have been with the same boring person doing the same boring things every day/week/month/year. (That answer is simple…..it’s easy, it’s safe, it’s what everyone wants you to do)

 

 

SO…………stand up. Challenge yourself. Tell yourself the truth, and if you find you can’t figure it out, ask someone. Everyone knows at least ONE person that sees the truth and isn’t afraid to tell you what it is. Value those people, seek their counsel. They are the few in this world that can help you be what you really want to be……… HAPPY.

Center

So I’ve been feeling very centered recently. That’s really the best way to put it.

 

I’m happy with where I’m at in life at the moment. I feel confident I’m on the right path, and that I have some purpose.

 

I feel downright philosophical recently, and I think it’s all justified and positive.

 

I’ve got what feels like a long post coming soon, but not quite yet. I’m a little pressed for time since I have an acquaintance unexpectedly stopping by.

Home

Home safe, good flights today. It was really weird to spend Easter traveling, as we usually do something home cooked for Easter.

Today was California Pizza Kitchen at the Palm Beach International Airport.

Oh well. I'm ready to get back to work I think. I'm ready for a few conversations I think too.

I'll be busy this week and next I think.

Disappointed

Well, I was hoping not to have to write something like this on vacation but............

 

So I came down to vacation with a full bottle of prescription pain pills (40) for my foot. I really needed them on the way down, the flight was excruciating. So, I used a few on the way down, then I stopped, tried not to use any.

 

I noticed on Monday that there seemed to be too few in the bottle, but chalked it up to just not knowing what I had taken. I had 10 left on Tuesday morning, and I resolved to save them for the ride home on the plane.

 

I took none Tuesday, none Wednesday, none today.

 

I checked the bottle tonight. There are 2 left in the bottle.

 

The worst part is this. I know who took them. (Since it's only family on vacation, those reading this know who I am talking about) And my mother doesn't believe me, she thinks I took them myself and am making excuses.

 

I know I'm not crazy, and I know I'm right. And he won't admit it. And because he's got a child, he's instantly more credible than I am.

 

What fucking bullshit. They can get the fuck out of my house, and I will have another person that I no longer speak to. It's unspeakable to take medication from someone that actually needs to have it. And HE FUCKING KNOWS THAT.

 

Yes, I'm incredibly angry, and yes I'd send him through a goddamn wall if my parents were not here right now.

Pic-o-pic

Three wildlife pictures today. The top is the nest of a mated pair of Osprey. The middle is a gopher tortoise in his next. The last is an Osprey in flight.

Note on the Osprey: When we first started coming here they were majorly endangered, and we were lucky if we saw any. There were perhaps 4 nests on the islands, and they usually didn't have chicks. Now, there are TONS of them! We've seen no less than 30 nests, and all have chicks. It's wonderful to see them around and to hear them.

Nice

So I went to Ellington's again last night. The place is wonderful. Great atmosphere, good drinks, good people. I talked with Sharon for another few hours. There is some nice kinship there, but I think that's about it. And I honestly don't have a problem with that. It's nice to be able to just talk with someone.

Sharon is a wonderful lady. Very engaging, and one of the best owners I've seen. She makes sure each customer feels like they are not only welcome, but wanted. I've never seen someone work a room the way she does. And you can tell the customer's appreciate it. It makes a huge difference, and really adds a lot to the experience.

Here is a link to the club.... http://www.ellingtonsjazz.com/

I'm going back again tonight I think.

More Pics

These pictures are from the wildlife preserve on the island. Although difficult to see, the top photo has a 6ft alligator in the center of the picture. The middle picture is a mangrove forest. The bottom picture is some of the many species of birds that frequent the preserve.

I have spent many hours here, seen many things. I've seen manatees, alligators, crocodiles, dolphins, many others. I understand how the ecology works, and I've seen what people tend to do to it. It makes a big difference. I get chided sometimes by friends when I cut up pop rings (the plastic pieces that hold sixpacks together), but I tell them that they would understand if they've seen the pelicans with scars or dead from them stuck around their necks. I don't consider myself an environmentalist, but I believe there is a part of it that all of us should follow. It's part of what makes me ME and it flows through all parts of my life.

Good day

Today was pretty good. I spent most of the day on the beach, then went to the local wildlife preserve in the afternoon. We saw a few alligators, but not much else. That was expected, since it was pretty windy today.

This evening, I went to a local jazz bar call Ellington's.

Sitting at the bar, I was approached by a wonderful woman named Sharon. She inquired about my leg, and we ended up talking for about 3 hours. Lo and behold she was the owner of the establishment. What a great evening it was, and I promised to go back and visit her this week =).

Pics 2

The top picture is looking down the beach towards the old lighthouse. The middle picture is a random shot I got of a line of pelicans flying across the water this morning. The bottom picture is looking down the beach towards the other complexes.

Pics

Well, here's the first pic from vacation. This is our beach. I've walked up and down this beach for over 25 years. It's changed a lot over the years, but I still know it as well as my own neighborhood.

This place still really feels like home.

Update

Yes, I know, not much posting lately really.

I'm having difficulty working through some things in my head. I'm very confused on a few things, and every time I think I have it figured out, something gets said that makes me understand very completely that I really have no idea what's going on. It's humbling, frustrating, and exciting all at the same time. Yes, I know that's really vague for most of you, but I don't like to post on things unless I know exactly what to say, and I really don't on this subject.



Quick thoughts......

Made my first car payment today in like 4 years. Felt pretty good actually :).

I'm still ambivalent about vacation, and I leave tonight. Not sure what to do about that.

I am taking my laptop and phone with me, so I will update some while on vacation. I'll try to post some pictures if possible.

Eh

I'm very eh at the moment, so here's a few quick things.

I'm very, very disappointed at how long my recovery is going to be. It's nearly twice what I expected. However, there's nothing I can do about it. How utterly frustrating, yet not worth worrying about at the same time.

I'm curiously uninterested in my vacation next week. Part of me wants to stay here for some reason. However, I really need the break from a few situations that are wearing on me right now.

There are hints of some big changes to the company coming very soon. Nothing that will affect me negatively, but it always makes me nervous nonetheless.

Late

Late, can't sleep. Too many things going through the head. I've been holed up in my room all night by myself. I'm going to throw some stuff down to get it out.

I wish I could say I'm being productive, but I'm not. I'm letting my thoughts run in circles again.


I feel like there is much to say, but I can't think of the words.

I've recently found myself lost in a set of eyes that I really didn't want to get lost in.

I feel like there is much I can't say, but somehow it gets communicated anyway.

I think one of my close friends is lost and doesn't know it, and may not ever know it, and I cannot point the way. And that makes me sad.

Thoughts

So, again, I’ve been pondering big things over the weekend. Kinda goes hand in hand with not really being able to do anything.

 

 

I’ve been thinking about my life, and the lives of those around me. I’ve been thinking about how I treat others, and how others treat me. I’ve been thinking about those people most important to me, and how many people are just “filler”, for lack of a better term.

 

The important people……….there are so few. These are the people that I simply feel like I cannot live without. My life would be so different without them.

 

Those folks are: my parents, my brother and sister, Karen, Brian (whatever else may be said about him, he has been there for the most part, and he’s one of the few (they are all on this list) people that check up on me when I’m out of contact), and honestly that’s about it.

 

I feel like the rest of the people in my life I could live my life without, and my life wouldn’t be significantly different. Not that I wouldn’t miss people, not that I don’t enjoy those people when I hang out with them. They just don’t have that much of an impact on my daily existence.

 

I’m wondering if it’s sad that I have so few, or if I should feel lucky that I have as many as I do.  

 

I look at things overall, and I discover that I don’t treat the important people significantly different than I do the other people. I’m wondering if I should change that. Should I pay more attention to the people that pay more attention to me? Should I pay less attention to the people that don’t really seem to care if I’m around? I think I would be happier if I changed, but……….

 

 

I feel like I have a positive impact on those around me, which makes this a much more difficult question. The golden rule states that I should treat everyone as if they are the most important person in my life, and I really do try to do that. I feel like I bring a little bit of joy to everyone I meet. I try to have a positive attitude, I try to respect everyone, and I try to make sure that my happiness doesn’t involve making someone else unhappy.  I think those are pretty good things to aspire for, and I really try to live those things.

 

However, that being said, I find that I get a lot of nothing in return. I get scorn. I get taken advantage of constantly. I get stomped on, ignored, and downright insulted by people I’m trying to be nice to. I get no consideration for my time or my effort by other contractors, customers, friends, whatever. I get cut in front of, doors shut in my face, etc., etc.

 

 

 

 

 

I bring this up here because I am having some philosophical issues right now. I want to live good, and be a good person. But it increasingly feels like there is no point. People don’t care enough to make it worth it. Everyone wants to live their little lives, do whatever their job is, and go home and watch TV. That’s all anyone I know talks about is this show, or that show, or who did what on that one show. There is no thinking involved. There is no interaction involved. They are spoonfed this crap that they are supposed to like, so they do. Mainly so that they can talk to the other spoonfed people about absolutely nothing that is ever going to impact their lives, other than to make them unhappy they don’t have what the people on TV have.

 

I don’t have lights. I don’t have a remote. I don’t have 20 scantily clad college co-eds fighting each other in a vat of Jello. I don’t have a solution to all your problems if you only send me $5.95 plus shipping and handling.

 

 

 

I do have a brain. I’ll even use it on you if you give me a chance. I might even say something that breaks you out of the dull existence the marketers and tv folks want you to live so they can sell you more stuff that you don’t need so that you go back to the job that you hate so that you can earn more money to buy even MORE stuff that you don’t need.

 

But you have to give me a chance. You have to turn off that godforsaken box for 10 minutes and use your own brain! No, the remote you just picked up won’t help you there. You just go ahead and keep that in your hand, I see I’m wasting my time.