Thoughts

So I've been giving several things a lot of thought since Thursday. My conversation Thursday night triggered some reflection.

At first I'll admit to being dismayed to find out that someone had shown my ex's blog to a few people evidently. I'm not sure why anyone would do this other than to try to hurt me in some way honestly. I'm sure my ex doesn't have anything nice to say about me. Which is a shame, because it not only doesn't tell the whole story, but it also doesn't reflect the fact that I really don't have anything bad to say about her anymore.

I realize that I meant what I said when I told my best friend that I really don't wish unhappiness on my ex anymore. I hope she finds whatever it is she is looking for.

I no longer believe that our relationship would have been fine in the long run if she had stayed and worked on the relationship as I asked in the end. There was too much that she couldn't give me that I needed, and I'm sure the reverse is true. If nothing else, I'm extremely active right now, bad foot and all, and that was something that she was never particularly fond of.

I have become the person that I think she saw before we got married, and I think I've taken it a step further. Through friends, I truly believe now that I have an impact on those around me, and it's positive all around.

My closer friends are beginning to emulate what I do in a few important ways. They have begun to stand up and fight for what they believe is right. They have begun to really think about the things they do on a daily basis and how it effects those around them. In addition, they have started to become dependable. I've had several instances in the past few weeks in which I've had no problem getting in touch with them when I need them, and that hasn't happened frankly in years.

Right after the divorce, I swore I would become a better person, and part of that was telling others the truth. I've done a remarkable job with that honestly since then. I've been somewhat worse at telling myself the truth.

It is the most difficult thing in the world to tell yourself the truth, especially when it's a truth you don't want to hear. It's much easier to pick out others' flaws than your own. It's a sobering experience to admit that you don't hang with someone because they remind you too much of yourself, not because they are deficient in some way.

It's a shock at first to realize that you haven't put any effort into finding that special someone because you have found the perfect person, but that person doesn't return the sentiment for some very good reasons. And to realize that you've never thought about it that way because it's "wrong" to think about it that way. (Hence I am a coward for never bringing it up, but I call it righteousness.)

This last part I'm sure isn't a shock to a lot of people out there that may read this, but it is to myself. I've never really admitted it to myself that I was waiting, waiting for something to happen I think. And if I hadn't recently admitted that to myself, I believe I would be waiting for a very long time, perhaps the rest of my life, and I would never know why I didn't make an attempt to find the person I need to meet to complete my life. I would end up always busy, always doing something that seems important but isn't, always making excuses for not asking someone out.


I am not a perfect person, have never claimed to be. I am constantly battling whatever demons I carry around with me. I'd like to think that I'm good enough at it nowadays that most never know I struggle with it sometimes.