Sometimes

Sometimes, I want to stand up and shout “I am here” to a world that mostly doesn’t seem to notice my existence.

 

Sometimes, I take the long way home just because.

 

Sometimes, the sun doesn’t seem very bright or very warm.

 

Sometimes, I think my cats are smarter than I am.

 

Sometimes, I wonder why things play out the way that they do.

 

Sometimes, I get lost in my own thoughts for hours, like yesterday.

 

Sometimes, I wonder why I am so different from most people I know, and why I just can’t get into the “normal” things they are into.

 

Sometimes, I wonder if this is all a supreme cosmic joke.

 

Sometimes, I feel like I am in on that joke.

 

Sometimes, I feel like I am the butt of that joke.

Sunny Days

The past few days have been gorgeous. I can’t say I’ve taken full advantage of it. I did lay out in the sun long enough yesterday while playing sick from work to get a nice burn, but my time has mostly been spent thinking, which I think is appropriate since I was supposed to have gotten married this past Saturday.

 

I won’t say that this was a good thing. I turned off my phone for the most part, and didn’t talk to anyone. I’m trying to figure out if I’m really on the path I’m supposed to be on at this point. I think I am, and I think the struggles I am going through support that argument, but it’s really hard right now.

 

I’m having some pretty serious self confidence issues. Nothing I seem to do works out the way I want it to. I’ve lost tons of weight, but don’t feel attractive in the slightest. I’m considered the best tech where I work, but I feel like I can’t do anything right recently.

 

How many times does one have to pick oneself off the floor, just to get knocked back down? And when is it smarter to stay down?

Insight

Isn’t that what we all really want? Insight into how someone else is thinking? Insight into how to better do your job, your marriage, your life?

 

The insight we all really need, myself included, is insight into why we do things we do. I’m notorious for building things up in my head only to be sorely disappointed when it doesn’t happen the way I wanted it to. Why do I do this? And how do I stop doing this?

 

I look at my life, and the things that aren’t right, and I try to take steps to make things better. To a great extent I am successful. However, when it’s something I really, really, really (yes, really x 3) want, then caution gets thrown to the wind. I prepare for the event or action that I want to happen, and it gets built up in my head until anything less than perfection is a disappointment. And then the event or action rolls around, and as we know perfection never happens. So even when I get what I want, I’m still not satisfied because it’s not everything I want it to be.

 

There is one area in particular that I am absolutely horrible at this, and it really hurts to say I don’t seem to have learned my lesson there.

 

I have tried to start mitigating this. How? By expecting and anticipating nothing. “Well,” you may say, “that sounds like a crappy way to go through life.” I disagree. By taking away expectations, everything that happens is a bonus. I wasn’t expecting to hear from so and so, and then I do, and that’s awesome. I wasn’t expecting to have something to do on Friday, but then I do, and that’s great. The negatives don’t seem so negative because I wasn’t expecting the opposite.

 

This all goes back to experience each moment as it comes, and stop worrying about the future and things you can’t control. It’s a daily struggle, and it’s never easy. Most assuredly not easy when there are things in life you really want.  

Ordinary moments

How many times do we waste away the day waiting for something to end, a meeting or task or whatever? How often do we ignore the present thinking about what we will have for dinner, or what we will do later on?

 

This is my challenge to you, and something I have been challenging myself on everyday for the past 2 months. Remember that there are no ordinary moments. There is no future, only a continuing series of NOW. Exist fully in each moment. Take no experience, good or bad, for granted. Everything you do, from opening a can of vegetables, to driving your car to work, to spending time with your children, to confessing something important to someone close to you, is a unique opportunity to exist here and now and to learn. It’s amazing what you can learn from mundane tasks, and how much quicker they will go when you let go and simply exist.

 

What’s also amazing is how much happier you will be. When you find yourself caught up in worrying about what’s coming next or what you are going to do, LET IT GO. Tell yourself that,  “Let it go!”

Hello Stranger

Yes, it’s been quite some time since I posted last. There are many reasons for that, but none of them are really important.

 

 

The collarbone is healed for the most part. I still have a significant amount of pain, but that’s normal according to the doctor. My left side is waaaay weaker than my right side at this point, and that’s frustrating. I’m working on it though.

 

Preparations for black belt test in June are going well. I feel great, I haven’t lost any ground due to being injured. This is mostly because I’m too stubborn to rest. This applies to a great many other areas of my life as well. It’s a blessing and curse at the same time.

 

I’ve begun meditating daily. Some days this is good, other days it is not. Clearing my mind is not always an easy task for me. But I keep trying, and that’s the main thing. Practice, practice, practice.

 

I finally feel very comfortable in my own space. The house is mine again, and I’ve started rearranging things and adding new things to make it feel more like my home. It CAN get lonely, but such is life. I have worked to cultivate some healthy friendships with Fu folks, and those are very fulfilling. It’s wonderful to be part of such a good group of people, and to know that they believe I belong there.

 

I sometimes wonder exactly what it is that I have started for myself. I am not the same person I was even a year ago. I feel like I have come far, but have so far yet to go. Some things have worked as I intended, and others have not gone as I would have wished.

 

Each day is a challenge to be the person that I know I can be, and most days I am up to that task.

Update

According to the doctor, I am at least a week ahead of where I should be healing wise. I have mobility of about 3 weeks after break, not 10 days. So, the meditative process is definitely helping!

A few things

A brief rundown of things.

 

I suffered a grade 2 MCL sprain at my last test in December. I was at least able to finish the test, and pass. One more belt to go before black!

 

The time since then has been a haze of pain and turmoil, with everything happening so fast. Dealing with the knee, and then dealing with everything going on personally has been trying at the best of times.

 

Then last Monday I broke my collarbone. I did a drop kick, landed on the shoulder, and I heard it snap when I hit. So did a few other people. I drove myself to the ER after I was able to get the pain under control.

 

 Totally unexpected, and really emphasized that there are indeed times it truly sucks to be alone. It also meant that I did not get to participate in the Fine Arts Fund demo this weekend for the dojo, which was a major bummer. However, the outpouring of support I have gotten from everyone has been really great. Jen has come over and helped me several times, and has been wonderfully sweet about it. Jen Wren came over last week to help me as well. Michele baked me a handmade lasagna and brought it over on Saturday, complete with fresh bread and snickerdoodles. Rachel has come over to help me. My brother and his wife made homemade vegetable soup and brought that over as well.

 

Honestly, last Tuesday I was really, really down about everything, and being alone for 4 to 6 weeks healing wasn’t an enticing prospect. Fu is my only social activity, and not being able to go made me really sad. However, knowing that I have lots of people that will go out of their way to help me has been a huge shot in the arm, and though I’m still in a lot of pain, I feel ready to tackle the healing process and get back to where I belong.

 

I’ve been trying something to help with the healing. As I’ve been getting more into meditation, I’ve been trying to meditate with a specific image in mind. I imagine thousands of tiny construction workers repairing the damage that I’ve done. I see the doctor tomorrow, so I’m interested to hear from him where I’m at compared to where I should be.

The Shore

I swim in this ocean we call life.

 

We start on the shore in our mother’s womb. It’s safe, it’s warm, and that’s all we need.

 

We grow a little older, and we wade in the shallows. When big waves come along, we retreat to the safety of home, of the shore.

 

We get to high school and college, and we are tempted to wade further out. Never quite leaving the bottom, we still manage to get in over our heads sometimes, but the safety of shore is never truly far from sight.

 

And then we HAVE to make our own way. We hear rumors of ANOTHER shore, some other place away beyond our sight. But to get there, we have to step out on our own.

 

Some of us never really make that step. We live in the same areas as our parents, our friends from high school, our flotsam collected along the way. We never lose sight of that first shore we came from, playing just beyond the breakers, but never pushing further.  It makes us feel safer, not being in that great big ocean alone.

 

Some of us push off and make our way into deeper waters. We swim out past where we can see the shore. But we keep trying to look back, keep trying to keep our heads above water. We swim against the currents to try to get to some predetermined location we have fixed in our minds. And so eventually we either drown, or we swim back to the shore because it’s too hard to do otherwise.

 

We can flounder and splash and complain on the surface all we want, but the ocean never changes, never hears, never cares.

 

Still fewer of us  push off and never look back. We swim in the currents, letting them push us where they want us to go. They help us conserve energy. They do occasionally push us away from people we’d rather not part with, but we trust the currents are taking us in the right direction. We ride out the storms by diving underneath the turbulent surface to the calm water underneath. They help us see that trouble is usually very shallow. And we keep going, keep swimming, never quite knowing that there is something else out there, but sure that we can never go back to where we were.

 

 

And so, I keep swimming. Always forward, and never back.

 

 

 

 

 

Point of View

 I have my own unique point of view on the world. We all do. It’s part of what makes us individuals, unlike any other entity on this planet.

 

I have yet to meet another person that has a point of view similar to mine. A few of my friends share bits and pieces of mine, but not mine entirely.

 

I spend a lot of time thinking about various things. As Karen put it, I exist at a “deeper level” than 98% of the people out there. This contributes to my point of view being different, and it also contributes to the fact that I HAVE an educated point of view on almost any topic someone brings up. I’ve thought about it, researched it, and formulated some type of opinion on it based on the facts of the subject at hand. I’ve also experienced a lot in my short life, lived through some things that most people shouldn’t have to live through, lived through some things that most people SHOULD have to live through. It gives me a wealth of background for almost any question that comes up.

 

However, there are two downsides to this.

 

1)      I frequently find that I have to tell someone “Live my life the way I have, then you’ll understand why I feel this way” on particular subjects. I can’t always explain why I am the way I am, just that certain actions or feelings are just right for me based on my past experiences.

2)      I wonder sometimes if there is anyone out there who can see my whole self and understand. This does not have to be a romantic involvement, just some type of kindred soul who can really understand me. So far I have not found that person, which leads me to conclude so far that I am truly alone in my understanding of this world.

 

 

Note, the last sentence really does concern me on a base level. While it would be nice, it’s not necessary to my survival. I’m always been content with myself and who I am. And I never worry about making my own decisions, even when everyone else I know is against what I may decide.

 

Anyways, one of the myriad things I’ve been thinking about.

 

 

 

Footprints on the heart

Some people enter and leave our lives with haste.

 

Other people stay a while.

 

They grace us with new understanding.

 

They show us parts of the world hidden from us.

 

They leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same.

 

 

(not an original creation of mine, just something that struck me)

What do you say?

I see the world in a different light.

You see day, I see night.

Who's to say which is right?

I pour my soul into my life,

I get in return disbelief and strife.

Even when I explain my side,

and try to take your barbs in stride,

you still hurt what's left of my pride.

Others judge on incomplete facts,

and give you their own tacts.

Yet they can't know what's left inside,

Do you?

Hiatus

Last post for a very long time most likely. This place no longer serves my intended purpose, and there is too much else that I need to deal with. I'm also turning off comments altogether.

Weekend Weddings

Jen and I visited the rustic Vicennes, IN this past weekend for a wedding for a pair of her Chicago friends. The ceremony was small, and they did a few pretty neat things. They had a sand ceremony, which was pretty neat. Jen and I are thinking about doing something similar at ours now. (They already said they’d be ok if we copied them ;) ). The weekend was low key in general, and some good time together for us.

 

The best part of the whole weekend for me honestly was the drive there and back. I love to drive. We took Route 50 there and back. For those of you used to traveling by Interstate, there is something so much more appealing about taking the old national routes around the country. You see so much more country, so much more EVERYTHING. Even with the drought, the route was absolutely gorgeous.

 

Anyways, here’s to another hot week ahead!

 

 

Hot

Ya, that pretty much sums up the past week. With no AC in the dojo, this weather sucks to work out in. It’s hard to breathe, and you start sweating right as you walk in. Craziness!

 

 

Meditation is coming along. It’s difficult to meditate with lots on your mind, and everything that Jen and I have been talking about has definitely added to the difficulty. At the same time, the meditation has made it somewhat easier to deal with these things in positive ways, rather than exploding and getting mad, which helps no one.

 

 

I believe what I wrote last week. I’ve lost my ability to laugh somewhere along the way. That doesn’t mean I’m completely unhappy with life in general. A great many things in my life I am content with. And the rest I think I can work on, with Jen’s help, and the help of my friends.

 

Everything’s always a work in progress!

 

Laughter update

Jen and I had a great weekend, and I feel much better than I did last week.

 

Jen makes me laugh more than I let myself laugh. I just have to learn to let her do it more, and not get frustrated with her spritely nature.  It’s not an easy thing for me to do, but it’s a very important thing for me to do.

 

I love you Jen!

 

 

Laughter

I have forgotten how to laugh.

 

I have forgotten what it is to have a good time.

 

I have forgotten what it is like to be carefree.

 

I have forgotten how to smile most of the time.

 

I get frustrated with happy people for not taking things more seriously.

 

I find fault with movies, books, conversations, and people that don’t live in what I call the real world, that don’t have plots with serious themes, that don’t have some type of point.

 

I can’t take a joke, no matter how small. I take offense instead.

 

I have forgotten how to look at things with wonder, and instead only see the pale reflection of envy because I cannot.

 

I have forgotten how to see the world in splendor, and instead see darkness and ashes.  

 

I have forgotten how to ask for help to change this.

Meditation

So, for the past week or so, I’ve been taking an active part in some self-realization through meditation. A small group of us have been learning some techniques and posting to a message board about how things have been going. It’s pretty amazing what this can do for one. Let me explain a bit.

 

There are two different ways we meditate.

 

There is a traditional “soft” meditation, like what most of you probably think of when you conceptualize meditation. Sitting quietly, clearing your mind, etc. We do that, focusing on the breathing, in through the nose, out through the mouth. The mind should stay clear. The trick here is this. Instead of REACTING to thoughts or emotions, you have to REFLECT on those thoughts and emotions, and then TAKE ACTION. Think of it this way:  With the eyes closed, you float in a dark void, and thoughts enter the void from outside.  You can look at those thoughts, examine where they come from, examine any predjudices you may have associated with those thoughts, then deal with those thoughts in the best possible way FOR ALL PEOPLE INVOLVED. This is a very foreign concept to western society in general, and very difficult for us Americans in particular. It’s a hard thing to get the hang of.

 

There is also “hard” meditation. This involves tensing the body as you are trying to mediate. You stand, or do forms, or in general tense up the muscles. All the while you are trying to keep your mind clear, trying to focus on absolutely nothing. Obviously you work up a sweat, and it’s more difficult than you might think.

 

Anyways, so we’ve been meditating daily, fitting it in where we can, and each posts their sessions each day to a message board. We all do things differently. There isn’t a lot of commenting back and forth, as meditation is a personal thing. But there is some, and just knowing other people are doing it is also a big thing. More motivation to do it every day.

 

 

Depending on culture, meditation allows us to experience different “states” of awareness and consciousness. The first is what I’ve described already. When one meditates enough, daily living becomes an exercise in REFLECTing and then TAKING ACTION. Too many of us, myself included,  react to things that go on around us. My goal over the next couple of months is to really try to reflect more on the things that go on around us.

 

 

Just in this past week, it’s really remarkable the sense of overall peace I feel compared to the week before I started doing thing seriously. I’ll make sure to post my continued thoughts on it. And let me know if you have any specific questions about anything!

TT Thoughts

Since I haven’t posted in a while, I’d thought I’d copy my fiancé and do a list.

 

 

1.       It’s amazing how different people who are close to you can see you as a person.

2.       A little compassion can go a long way.

3.       I really don’t like preachy people.

4.       I have started some meditation learning, and it’s absolutely unbelievable.

5.       I am happy I finally got my server at home running again. It’s time to play with stuff.

6.       It’s dismaying when people assume they know what you are thinking, without asking.

7.       I just completed a project that no one else in my company comprehends. That’s pretty awesome J.

8.       I can now do front and back walkovers, something that always eluded me when I was little.

9.       I got to see an actual OC-192 today that was working…

10.   I have a few customers that actually treat me better than some of my friends do.

11.   Even though I have none myself, it’s disturbing to hear someone say that they have lost their faith, especially when they say it’s because of you.

12.   I find myself hanging onto the void most of the day. Read Wheel of Time and you’ll get it.

13.   No dinner and no breakfast actually makes it tough to eat lunch…..

Bonus Post!

My friend Mandy took this on the 4th of July, and I wanted to share it with all of you! I think this is my new favorite picture of Jen.

Random thoughts

A few random thoughts for your Friday:

 

 

The Creation Museum:   http://www.creationmuseum.org/   Now this has got to be one of the asinine things I’ve seen in a long time. A museum based on opinion. You’re joking right? Not only are they not joking, this lovely farce exists in the only place it logically could…….near Cincinnati. Anyone feel like a day trip to laugh at the idiots?

 

 

Transformers was a lot of fun on the 4^th. I really liked what they did with it. It’s worth paying to go see. Even Jen had fun watching….

 

 

I am actually close to being able to do the splits, at  least front ways. Straddle, not so much………..

 

 

I learned how to break boards with an underhand strike called an ox tongue break.

 

 

Every major news media outlet has been reporting about the excessive heat out west……….   Here’s my two cents, having lived there for two years……..  IT’S THE FRICKING DESERT, WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?   It’s like moving to Antartica and then complaining that it’s cold. Why the hell is this front page news for every national group?

 

 

Anyways, have a great weekend!