Observation

What is trouble for one is joy for another.

Quick Side Note

Hehehe, one of the best things in life is looking up from typing your blog, and realizing both cats are asleep on either side of you in bed, and one of them is snoring ;)

Metaphysical Wellness Weekend

Alright, so not quite, but it was a damn good weekend overall.

Friday night's party was a blast. Hung out talking with one of the blackbelts and his wife for most of the night. No appearance by my current interesting person, but I had fun anyway. Lots of beer was consumed, and a general good time was had, I must say. It was nice to get out among some new people and just relax. I've got to learn to dress down a bit. I've been dressing a bit too uncasual for this group. Since most are college kids or close to that age, they dress more in t-shirts and what not. Considering my recent trend has been the opposite direction to slightly more dressy type things (normal for me in winter, can't stand it in the summer though), I look very out of place for the most part. Very "metro" as someone put it the other day. Not really my intention, but I've been called much worse, so..........

Saturday was surreal. I got home around 3:30 Saturday night, got up at 8:15 for work. I felt kinda drunk still, which was odd considering I felt stone cold sober when I got home. I shook it off, went in, worked a few hours. I then went and bought 3 new pairs of shoes, and I went car shopping. I've been looking for a long time, so I knew what I wanted to look at. I got no help at all at Columbia Hyundai. I literally waited almost 40 minutes for a salesman. I finally got fed up and left. My mom called, and she was up by Cincinnati Mills, so suggested we meet and go car shopping up that way. I met her, we went to Superior Hyundai, and lo and behold I found what I was looking for.

So, I bought a car Saturday!!! 2005 Hyundai Accent, red, 4 door. Gets 26 miles to the gallon city, 32 Hwy :) :) :). After the monster of a gashog the Jimmy was (think 12 to 18 miles to the gallon), this is a dream come true.

I drove it down to the Nine Inch Nails concert on Saturday night with 3 of my friends. We had a riot. The parking was surprisingly convenient. The show was great, and the seats turned out just fine. Party time again :P~~~~


So, after partying hard all weekend, I was beat Sunday. I really didn't do much of anything. Other than read a book, which I finished. I was surprised to finish it, since I started it Friday, but alas, I did. Looking back I realize I DID read for 5 hours Sunday, but still.

I'm feeling pretty good at the moment. I've had good talks with two friends, one on Friday and one today, and that has helped temper the disappointment I felt last week. I finally got in touch with my friend in China to start making those arrangements. He wants me to come in June, but that will interfere with my next belt test at the dojo I think. It really depends on what kind of surgery I need to have on my foot. I should find that out around the 8th of March, when I visit the orthopedic specialist. We'll see what he says, then I can make more decisions.

Agression

So, I went home yesterday and I beat the crap out of myself. I went for the walk, was still angry at the day and a few people. So I did some yardwork, started getting things cleaned up for spring. That didn't help either. So, I worked out in my new space in the basement.

I have a heavy bag setup, and my PC isn't far from there. I turned on some Prodigy, and I went to town. I worked out for almost 90 minutes, just getting lost in what I was doing. I busted my knuckles on the bag, but I didn't even notice it. Hurt my foot a little when I got careless, but that's ok. I did 100 crunches, 50 push-ups, then hung from my gravity boots for about 10 minutes.

I only stopped because someone stopped by the house. I'm glad they did, because I wouldn't be able to move today if they hadn't. Hehe, I really do get carried away sometimes.

I feel better today, but I'm still pretty down overall. I saw something yesterday that I shouldn't have. But when someone told me it was there, I had to look. I guess part of me really wanted her to be unhappy for the rest of her life for what she did to me. I shouldn't have looked. Damnit, I shouldn't have looked!

I'm going to a party tonight with the dojo people. There will be enough consumption to drown all this bullshit out.

Sucks

Once again today I am reminded how much it sucks to be the person that I want to be.

I am the person that I want my friends to be, and when they don't measure up, I am disappointed.

Example: Have an extra ticket for NIN this weekend. Buddy of mine tells a girl (before asking me) that I don't particularly care for that there is an extra ticket. She calls me at 8:30am or so to ask if she can have it. Rather than let me other friend get stuck paying for the ticket, I ask him, and he says yes. As soon as I hang up, I get a txt message from my friend stating that he told her, but didn't want me to give it to her. I told him too late, I told her it was available. He said lie to her and tell her that someone else took it. I told him no, that this is another situation where it sucks to be the person I want everyone else to be. I will not lie to her, or to anyone else for that matter. I said she could have it, so she's getting it. It doesn't matter that I don't like her. It doesn't matter that I really don't want her to go. I told her the truth, and at least my other friend isn't getting stuck with a $50 ticket that gets wasted.

Example2: I drop everything when my friends need something. Everyone that knows me knows that all they have to do is HINT that they need something, and my schedule is instantly free for them. I don't care what the repercussions are, my friends and family are more important than anything else in my life. I increasingly feel like I don't have anyone like that in my life. I get voicemail more often than not when I call anyone. (My friend Brian pointed out last night that I'm the only person he knows that ALWAYS answers my phone, and when I don't, he knows I'm at my PC and he can message me if he needs me and I ALWAYS respond.) Not only this, but if one of my friends messages me with a problem, or even with what I perceive to be a problem, everything else becomes secondary. If I know they've been having difficulty with anything, and they contact me for any reason, I make time for them, period. Unfortunately I never get the same treatment from anyone. I get "How bout tomorrow?" Never, NEVER do I get "How can I help?" or "Can I meet you somewhere?"

I'm leaving work early today. I've been upset and emotional all day long, and I can't concentrate. I need to go home and take a long walk. With my luck, it will be a short pier, and I won't see the end until I fall.

HOWEVER....... I will not change who I am. I AM the dependable one, and I will always be that person. I just need to find more people around me that can treat me the way I treat them. I think some of the people at the dojo are going to be that way. I sure hope they are, because walking this path is awfully lonely.

Question

How do you tell someone that there is so much else out there that they haven't experienced yet in life when they are so happy they don't know what to do with themselves?

What am I getting myself into?

So I'm talking to one of the few people that I do some outside work for today, and they have some stuff they want me to do. So I start looking at my calendar, and holy crap!!!! I don't have any time for them for like 2 weeks!!

Now, I hate being booked out that way. I hate being unavailable for anyone, and I like to think that I can pick up whenever I want and go do something. It's one of the few advantages to being single and having a little bit of money.

I'm not sure how I overbooked myself this way, and it's seriously got my reconsidering doing side work. While it's nice to get a little extra money under the table, I've noticed that I've been really tired recently. I can tell not by being tired, but by the massive mood swings I've been having. I get sad to the point of tears about once a week, and it's usually in the morning on the way to work. This morning was one of those mornings, hence the earlier post about coherent thoughts.

Now, the stupid thing about this is that I had a wonderful dream last night. My current woman of interest was in it, and I think that's probably all the detail you need to figure it out. What's unusual about this is a) I never remember my dreams anymore b) it felt very different for one of my dreams.

To elaborate on B........ I used to believe that my dreams were small snippets of future happenings. These dreams were always different from normal dreams. The lighting is different, the smell is different, the sense of touch is different, everything. This dream felt this way. I remember being very content, mostly not doing anything other than having someone next to me in bed and talking. Hence the other odd thing about this dream for me. Most of my dreams are constant action of one type of another. Constant movement, changing scenery, etc. This one the scenery never changed. It was my room, though with a different bed than my current one. A warm breeze blew through the room, and I could hear the normal sounds from my neighborhood. I remember the lazy talking more than any other part of this dream.

I think the feeling of absolute contentment that went away shortly after I woke up triggered the emotional response this morning on the way to work. At least I hope it did, as I really don't want to go back on anti-depressants again.

Morning

It's hard to write this morning. I'm having difficulties putting coherent thoughts together.

I wonder why I continue to write here. It's nice to get thoughts out, but I get no responses to anything I write. Karen responds, and it's a nice way for the two of us to keep in touch, but I was hoping for more I guess.

I guess I use this space to battle my own demons, whatever they may be at the time.

I wonder why I hold back so much here. There is much I want to really say, but I worry about offending people that read it, and I worry about the repercussions of said people being offended.

Fascination Street

Heh, heard that Cure song earlier today, and I'd say it adequately describes my mindset at the moment.

So last night I went to a party thrown by one of the guys that attends the dojo I started going to. It appears they do this on a frequent basis, which is cool. The age range is odd at first, with some as young as 21, and others as old as earlier 40's. However, everyone is very comfortable around one another, and the dynamic was good. There was also a LOT of alcohol involved in the evening, and that always helps.

To make things better, a woman I've kinda had an eye on was there. (Karen, ask Jim what he thinks about Jen from the dojo. He'll know who you are talking about. ) She's in her late 30's, very long red hair. She has some interesting tatoos, and she's an artist by trade. I talked with her for a good portion of the evening, and I found the conversation fascinating. I've found my eye seems to find her of it's own free will at times :). I don't quite know what to make of it honestly, but it's fun so far.

Of course it's way too early to think of it as anything than healthy infatuation, but I am going to enjoy trying to get to know her much better.

The whole group in general is going to be a lot of fun, and I've sorely been missing some fun recently.

Beautiful sentiment

Someone told me this just last night about someone they are dating, and I found the sentiment very moving.

" If I died right now, I'd rather my spirit walk by her side, even knowing that I couldn't speak with her or touch her ever again, than move on to wherever souls may go. Just being near her is enough."

Isn't that what we all really want?

Morning ponderings

Quick pondering entered from my phone.

Why do I feel like almost all of the people I know that have all the money they need don't deserve to have said money?

And the people that deserve an easier life and work so hard for it never have any money?

Does anybody really believe anymore that they can truly make a difference in the grand scheme of things? Are those that do believe that they can just fooling themselves, or are those that have given up trying to make a difference the fools?

Pondering

I seem to do this a lot right now. I ponder things. I wonder why things are the way they are. I'm not sure why I do this, and I'm not sure what it means. I'm not sure it's good, and I'm not sure it's bad.


Why does life turn out the way it does? Do we affect the outcome, or is it all predetermined?

Why do I feel that sometimes I can actually know what tomorrow brings? Why do I consistently dream things that happen days later? Even if I really don't want them to?

Why do I dream things that then don't happen? Even if I really want them to?

Why do I get really down about my life, when things are going so well?

Why do I feel absolutely great when things are putrid and I continue anyway?

Why do I feel like the last person on the planet that cares about the golden rule?

Why do I feel so strong when I give in?

Why can I see my path so clearly and still feel lost?

Ick

This is one of the most frightening things I've seen in a long time.

Good Morning!

Well, yesterday was much fun.

So, I worked all day, driving to Lexington and back for a client. Not so bad, sucks in my car, but not so bad. Then on my way back to Cincy, I get a call from the main site of this client, and they are having problems. So I stop back by there, and I end up being there until 11PM on a Friday night.

It's times like these that I am truly thankful that I love my job. Seriously. Sure, it sucks to work on Friday night, but I'm always up for a challenge, and that's exactly what yesterday was. Very difficult problem, and I learned something. That makes it a good day in my book, regardless of what the hours were.


I'll post more later.

No Update

I haven't had anything to write about.

I'm very...contemplative.....since Monday. I need a couple days to work things out, I'll post more over the weekend.

Well

So I was going to write yesterday and couldn't.

I found my wedding rings over the weekend, and decided to sell them yesterday. I'm not sure why I was keeping them. I guess part of me always assumed that she'd be back at some point. Obviously at this point, it's been almost 3 years, and that's simply not going to happen. So I decided to sell them and be done with it.

I had no idea how difficult this would end up being. Not from a physical doing it perspective, but from a letting go emotionally perspective. I took the rings, and walked into the place to sell them. The lady at the counter asked if she could help me. I explained what I wanted to do, and she bombarded me with questions. Where were they purchased, did I have receipts, was I sure it was over, did I want a loan on them instead of selling them, was I sure it was over (I got asked this like 10 times), did I want her to hang on to them for a week or two just to be sure, etc. AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!

I finally got so upset that I talked to the lady in a very loud voice. I told her that I was positive, that this wasn't an easy thing, and she wasn't making it any easier, and that if she wanted to buy the rings she needed to give me the damn money (exact words) or I was going to go somewhere else. She must have seen the tears in my eyes because she apolgized and completed the transaction quickly at that point. I apologized to her, and I told her that the divorce was finally over 2 years ago and that I just hadn't been able to part with them until just now. She sympathized, and apologized again for putting me through so much. She said she gets this type of thing all the time, and most people just do things in a rash state and then regret it later. I told her I understood, but that it was just very difficult for me.

So I finished up and got out of there. I was really, really, really down, so I tried to call Karen, but got voicemail. So I just went home, and I just kind of collapsed when I got home. I locked the door to my room and just shut out the outside world for a while. It helped some. I feel better this morning, but still down overall.

Good Weekend

So it's been a great weekend so far.

Friday I went to Olive Garden with my brother and his wife to celebrate her birthday with her friends. Other than feeling really old (they are all around the 23-24 mark, and very new to the corporate world, etc..), the dinner was actually really good. It was nice to get out.

Saturday I worked around the house all day. I got a second coat of paint on my room, and I put up my SkyChair in my room after rearranging things. Don't know what a SkyChair is? Check it out.....
I have a green one that goes wonderfully with the color I painted my room (think eggplant), and I have the foot rest as well. I love it, it's a great reading chair. When I finally get a nice deck built outside, I'll have a spot out there to hang it from as well.

I also did some more serious work in the basement. I'm finally starting to get organized. I got most of my extra electronic crap put into one huge tupperware container. Once the roomates finally move out, I'll have time to go through everything. Until then, I've got to get stuff stored away. There is just too much crap in the house with them living here.

Last night we went to dinner with my parents. They wanted to take Darlene out for her birthday. Unbeknownst to my parents, Darlene invited her parents as well.....

Let's just say that the two families are really, really, really different. Besides the fact they live in a double-wide trailer, they are just completely different than us from a socio-economic, educational, and philisophical background. They are nice people overall, don't get me wrong. It's just really unfortunate Darlene didn't have more growing up, she could be so much more than she is now. Her dad is a gun buff, and he collects historical weapons (which is neat in my book, if still a bit weird). Her mom just had a baby of her own, which is about 2 or 3 months older than Chloe. Plus she has a son that's 17, and getting ready to get out of highschool. So that whole situation is just a really weird dynamic. But everything went very well, and I think everyone had a good time.


Not really planning on much for tonight. Although I usually attend some type of gathering, this year I've not been invited to any. Part of this of course relates to the decisions I've made since New Years, that have somewhat been chronicled here, and part of this is simply my wish to do something a little more simple this year. I will watch, Greg will probably come up to watch as well. Brian may be here, but he typically goes to his parents' place. I could do that as well, but I spent most of yesterday with my parents, so I probably won't. Regardless, I'm sure it will be a good enough time :).

Friday!

Well, the week is finally over. Thank god! It's been just an ugly week. I'm finally just about back to normal, though I seem to still have the remnants of a cough. I can handle that though, there are worse things.

I'll go into more detail later.

It got better...........

Yes, to answer Karen, I have been very sick and haven't posted as a result. It's been difficult just making it through the day. Today, however, I'm feeling better. A good night's sleep and I should be right as rain tomorrow, and I promise I shall post for you ;)....