Sucks

Once again today I am reminded how much it sucks to be the person that I want to be.

I am the person that I want my friends to be, and when they don't measure up, I am disappointed.

Example: Have an extra ticket for NIN this weekend. Buddy of mine tells a girl (before asking me) that I don't particularly care for that there is an extra ticket. She calls me at 8:30am or so to ask if she can have it. Rather than let me other friend get stuck paying for the ticket, I ask him, and he says yes. As soon as I hang up, I get a txt message from my friend stating that he told her, but didn't want me to give it to her. I told him too late, I told her it was available. He said lie to her and tell her that someone else took it. I told him no, that this is another situation where it sucks to be the person I want everyone else to be. I will not lie to her, or to anyone else for that matter. I said she could have it, so she's getting it. It doesn't matter that I don't like her. It doesn't matter that I really don't want her to go. I told her the truth, and at least my other friend isn't getting stuck with a $50 ticket that gets wasted.

Example2: I drop everything when my friends need something. Everyone that knows me knows that all they have to do is HINT that they need something, and my schedule is instantly free for them. I don't care what the repercussions are, my friends and family are more important than anything else in my life. I increasingly feel like I don't have anyone like that in my life. I get voicemail more often than not when I call anyone. (My friend Brian pointed out last night that I'm the only person he knows that ALWAYS answers my phone, and when I don't, he knows I'm at my PC and he can message me if he needs me and I ALWAYS respond.) Not only this, but if one of my friends messages me with a problem, or even with what I perceive to be a problem, everything else becomes secondary. If I know they've been having difficulty with anything, and they contact me for any reason, I make time for them, period. Unfortunately I never get the same treatment from anyone. I get "How bout tomorrow?" Never, NEVER do I get "How can I help?" or "Can I meet you somewhere?"

I'm leaving work early today. I've been upset and emotional all day long, and I can't concentrate. I need to go home and take a long walk. With my luck, it will be a short pier, and I won't see the end until I fall.

HOWEVER....... I will not change who I am. I AM the dependable one, and I will always be that person. I just need to find more people around me that can treat me the way I treat them. I think some of the people at the dojo are going to be that way. I sure hope they are, because walking this path is awfully lonely.