Better

So my doctor changed my pain prescription from Percosets to Vicodin. I can say with conviction that the Vics are doing a better job.

This makes a difference. The pain has been tough the past two days. We'll see how things go tomorrow.

Reflections again

So, as I said a few days ago I've been contemplative with the surgery, semi-isolation, and beginning recovery. Here are my thoughts today.



So I'm parked at one of my customers, and because I need extra room to get out of the car, etc, I parked a bit away from the door. I made sure no one was near me, to save my car doors, other cars, etc. The lot was pretty empty, and there were places everywhere to park. Nobody close to me, no reason to park near me.

SOOooooo, I go in, do my call, get done, go to leave. Someone has parked right next to my car. No cars within 5 or 6 spaces to either side of us. Right, so check this out. They park soooooooooo close to my driver's side door that I can hardly get between the cars.

Oh, right, not to mention that I couldn't open the door far enough to get my nice orthopedic boot into the door. So I could not get into my car.

The next 25 minutes was a process of getting into my car from the passenger side and getting behind the wheel. I'll spare you the details, save that by the time I was behind the wheel, I was sweating from the effort and pain, and frankly I was in tears at the ordeal. I my leg just hurt so much at that point, and I was so frustrated that someone could be so thoughtless.

It doesn't seem like that big of a deal, and if I wasn't hurt, it really wouldn't be.

But how could the driver know I was hurt? How could they not know?

Isn't the point that they can't possibly know, and therefore they should assume that I am, and that they should park away from my car?

This is some of what I try to get across to people. I try to live my life without negatively impacting other people as much as possible. That means that I think about what I do before I do it. Including stupid things like parking too close to the person next to me.

When's the last time you thought about how close you parked to the person next to you? About whether or not you've made it more difficult to go about their daily routine?

I try every day to make sure that my routine does not interfere with anyone else's, even if that means interrupting mine. I'd like to think that means I would get the same in return.

Evidently my karma isn't nearly so good. I must have been an evil person in a former life. Or perhaps it's because I'm so thoughtful that I seem to get shorted so often. Yin and Yang and all that.

Wherever there is great light, there must be great dark. What a bitch.

Holy Cow

I’m not sure I’ve ever been more tired. It’s extraordinarily difficult to get around with crutches, and I’m wearing out after only 2.5 days this week. I feel like I could sleep a week right now.

 

My shoulders are like iron from so much work, and they hurt. Under my arms is raw from the crutches. My good leg is sore from supporting most of my weight. My bad leg is sore in the hip and knee, and since I can’t take pain meds while working, the foot is like having a fire attached to my ankle permanently.

 

But you know what? I think I prefer this to last week not being able to do anything. I think would be alright if I could learn NOT to try to move at 900mph in everything I do.

Fun

So things just get more and more fun. I'm off my feet pretty much for another week, although I'm allowed to put weight on the leg now to some extent. I feel pretty down to be honest, and I don't really want to go home, but I don't have anywhere else to go really.


Since I've had nothing but time (and a short attention span due to painkillers)to myself recently, I've been doing a lot of thinking. Some of it is good, some of it is worthless, and some of it is probably bad.

Embarassing, but too good to pass up

Alright, as I was going through the process, I ask you to consider something you've probably NEVER considered before................


Just try to imagine how difficult it is to take a shower and wash your ass when you aren't allowed to put weight on one foot.

Not only that, but that foot is bandaged, wrapped in guaze, wrapped in 3 layers of plastic bags taped to the foot to make it water tight.

And you have no handholds in the shower, other than a shower bench that someone kindly thought of buying for me the day of the surgery.

Ok, thought of it? Alright, now considering trying to rinse........




Ludicrous isn't it? I unashamedly say that it took me nearly 20 minutes to complete this puzzle in real life today, and I was laughing at myself the whole time :) .......

last report tonight

So to complete the day..... I woke up, tried to get comfortable for a while, eventually got a phone call from mom. Decided to try to go out to dinner with them. They came here, we went out. It was alright, a little difficult, but not too bad.

Came home and the aching started. Expected, still sucks. Took required meds. Watched basketball for a while. Got bored, came upstairs. Going to play some Empires at War for bit.


I've been thinking about some specific things today, might post some about it tomorrow.

Next

Ya, I found a comfortable spot, and I've just slept since the last update.

And then........

So since the last post:

I played some Star Wars: Empires at War to pass some time. Fun, can be played in tablet form, which is a bonus, will play more later.

Chatted with Brian

Read a whole bunch of articles about various things: cruise ship fires, global warming, problems in Belarus, problems in Darfur, problems in China, attack choppers for sale, etc.

I took 1 percoset on the 4 hour schedule, using the first post this morning as a marker.

Talked briefly with Mom when she called.

Tried to sleep for about 20 minutes, spent about 20 more doing the "move around until you get comfortable" bed dance. ----NOTE: This gets more difficult each time, as my elbows and knees are getting rug burn. Talk about ironic unexpected consequences......

Next report

Ok, so since the last post, here's what I've done to keep occupied.......

Responded to a few more work emails.

Chatted with Brian

Chatted with Chris

Chatted with Keith

Chatted one-sidedly with Karen as she's not there.

I checked www.fark.com and www.msnbc.com and www.abcnews.com and www.foxnews.com and www.slashdot.org and www.cnn.com and www.googlenews.com and www.espn.com and www.news.com and www.theregister.com . Most of these had no new stories for me to read yet.

I read an article on artificial gravity, an article on asexual couples, several articles on NCAA basketball, several articles on the NFL happenings, an article regarding Dell's buyout of Alienware, an article regarding the current state of Delta Airlines, an article regarding dark matter, checked the Astronomy Picture of the Day, checked the weather forecast for the 10th time today.

I also walked (with crutches) around the room a few times to get the pain to go away.

Night report

First, since I rudely missed doing it last night, let me thank Karen for coming to visit. When you are trapped in your house, having visitors means the world, and I felt 10 times better yesterday than I have since Tuesday. It means a lot Karen, thanks!!!



So here's how the night went. After my last post, I spent nearly two hours trying to find a comfortable spot. I finally did, and I was able to sleep until 3AM. I woke up, took a percoset, spent until 5 trying to get comfortable. I finally did, and I was able to sleep until 9AM. This is the best night I've had so far.

When I woke up, I paid for my good night. From 9 to 10 I could do nothing other than deal with the pain. I took 2 percosets, took my anti-biotic, and generally cursed and screamed until the pain subsided a bit. Which it finally did.

I logged in to check email, did a few things for work real quick that took no brain power.

Now I'm going to check a few blogs, read some news, go from there.

Karen's advice

So I'll take Karen's advice/suggestion from this evening and chronicle the next few days on here as I go through my continued recovery.

It's 10:42. I'm taking my percosets. Taking 2. Having a great deal of discomfort again, can't find a comfortable spot to sit in. Pizza tasted good for dinner, stomach isn't so sure it was a good idea.

I'll post later.

Now I know..........

..........what real pain is. I always thought I did until now.

Here's the brief synopsis of the surgery and events afterwards: Surgery got started late. No big deal. I sat in the hospital bed from 6:30AM until 9:00 AM waiting, with an IV anti-biotic and saline solution hooked up. I finished my current book in that time, which was cool. 9:30AM, 2 nurses came in. They went over various instructions and questions, then gave me a series of 5 shots into my IV, 1 was Fentenal, 1 was some type of valium type thing. I was wheeled to the operating room, talked to the doctor for about 5 minutes, was moved to the operating table. I laid back, and that's the last thing I remember until I woke up in the recovery room.

The doc said he had to do more than he thought during surgery. He cleaned the debris out of the ankle, but he also had to remove scar tissue, and had to shave the muscle down as well. It had overdeveloped to compensate for the problem. Hence, the surgery took over 2 hours, compared to the hour it was supposed to take.

It was 11:45AM, so my time sense was immediately off since the surgery was supposed to be around an hour. I was EXTREMELY disoriented for about 45 minutes. Nurses were busily doing various things around me, and then my parents came in. My left foot was bundled up in multiple layers of bandages and things. A nurse gave me a shot of morphine (what she said) into my IV, and then the IV was removed. No real pain yet. I was dressed, and bundled up into the car.

Went home. Pain started. Unlike anything I have ever felt before. From 1PM yesterday to about 4:30AM last night, just excruciating pain. They gave me a presecription for Percoset, and I take them when I'm told, but it just dulls it slightly. Unbelievable pain. It comes in waves, and it seems to be getting better now. I can usually find a comfortable spot at least.


Too strung out and exhausted to post more right now.

Sunday

Sunday was a good day.

 

I woke up early for my yellow belt test. I was fine the whole drive down, fine the whole warm up period, and then he called my name and I got really nervous all of a sudden. I did fine though. My ankle tried to give out once and I stumbled, but that’s ok. It hurt pretty bad, but I was able to complete the test and pass. Everyone went out to lunch afterwards, and a good time was had by all.

 

So last night I went to see George Clinton and the Parliament Funkadelic at Bogart’s here in town. After seeing the show last night, I have to agree with my friend that this is one show EVERYONE must see once in their lifetime. Absolutely amazing. I’ve never see such a positive vibe at Bogart’s, nor have I seen such a diverse crowd. The show was incredible. The crowd was incredible. The show went on forever! (Longest show I’ve seen at Bogart’s.) After the show, I felt like I had just worked out for 4 hours, but it was great.

 

After such a crappy Friday and Saturday, it was a great Sunday.

 

 

Surgery tomorrow, I’ll post when I can.

Blech

Well last night just sucked. Not only did pretty much everyone bail on going out, I got my car towed as well, along with 4 other people parked in the lot where I was. Talk about a racket, 108$ to get it back.

Thankfully I hadn't had too many beers when I noticed.

Ah well, at least I can say it was a first for me. I never noticed the tow away sign in the lot, so I paid the price for it. I can almost guarantee it'll never happen again :).

B-Ball Tourney

Well, it's that time of the year again.

I have 3 requirements for a good tourney.

1) Duke MUST LOSE. Every year. Period.

2) Kentucky MUST LOSE. Horribly, preferably to a lower seed that embarrasses them. Besides the fact I've ALWAYS hated them, they are the favorite team of my bitch of an ex-wife. I loved rooting against her EVERY YEAR. I will always hate Kentucky. Any state that has a postal abbreviation that spells the name of a lubricant, well that just tells you a lot about that state, doesn't it.

3) Arizona, my alma mater, must win win win! They always play hard, and Lute Olson is one of the best coaches in the game today. I love to watch them play, and this is the only time of the year I can watch them earlier than 10:30PM tip off.

Crowning moment of glory for me was the 1997 tournament. Arizona, the heavy underdog, beat Kentucky in the finals. Not only did my ex-wife NEVER live that one down, her family didn't either. The next day, I had to go to one of her family gathering, and I wore all of my Arizona gear. I almost got lynched, and it was worth EVERY glare!!!!

Nightmares in detail

So here is the story of the nightmares last night. I will go into as much detail as possible, though there are some things I will leave out for modesty’s sake and so as not to embarrass certain people.

The night’s dreams started out just fine. Rather wonderful as a matter of fact. I was engaged in some rather intense, shall we say, loveplay with someone very important to me in my life right now. Although inappropriate in real life, it was wonderful in the dream. That’s all I’ll really say about that right now. If someone really wants details, they can ask, I hide nothing ;).



Then things turned dark. The bedroom turned into my yard, and instead of light and warm, it got colder, and it started to rain. The person I had been with was nowhere to be found. I stumbled around, unable to find what I was looking for. I can’t say for sure if I was looking for someone or something. I think it was someone, as I called her name several times with no response. The really odd thing was that there was no sound outside. No birds, no cars, no normal neighborhood noises. Everything was quiet. It was dark as if a storm was close but not quite here yet. I walked around to the front of the house, and instead of my car in the driveway, it was Dawn’s car. Now this was odd, since I believed in the dream we had been divorced for 3 years. My heart lept into my chest. I ran inside, to find her in the normal position I always found her when I came home. Curled up on the couch watching reruns of Star Trek.

Obviously something here wasn’t right. Part of me wanted this to be real, and part of me wanted to run quickly. I said hello, and she turned and looked at me and asked what I was sorry for this time. I was confused, and I couldn’t answer her. I asked what I should be sorry for. She said “You know”. I said “No, I don’t.”

At that moment, the person I had been with earlier came down the stairs. Wow, talk about a shock. She froze halfway down the stairs, and Dawn sat up, turned around, then started yelling at the both of us. Every insult you can think that a woman can throw at a man was thrown around, by both women directed towards me. They looked at one another, seemed to nod, and both advanced towards me. I backed up towards what I thought was the door, but I couldn’t open it. It wasn’t locked you understand, it wasn’t there anymore. They got closer, and closer, and finally Dawn reached out and slapped me full in the face. As I reeled from the hit, they got in closer. One of them tripped me, and both started kicking me as hard as possible. I remember everything fading to black…………….


When I awoke I was in the person that I started the night with’s yard. (Yes, odd sentence I know.) Again, it was dusk, and it was chilly. I stumbled around the yard feeling drunk. Drunk to the point of almost passing out, but still aware of my surroundings. I noticed a fire back towards the end of the yard. I approached the fire. As I did, I noticed my friend sitting there crying. As I approached to find out what the matter was, Dawn stepped in front of me again. Startled, I jumped back. And tripped over a log. Dawn stood over me, and challenged me to prove that I was a good person. She challenged me to prove that I was worth being with. I began to recount the good things that I have done with my life. I have given shelter to friends in need, to my and my marriage’s detriment. I am always there for my friends. I answer my phone when no one else will. I ALWAYS listen to a friend when they need a shoulder to cry on. I always am there for any friend that needs me. Every instance I gave was thrown back in my face and twisted so that it appeared self-serving and evil. I was accused of doing these things specifically to hurt her. I was accused of stomping on our wedding vows in order to further whatever whim took me at the time. I was accused of trying to turn her into a whore. I was accused of cheating on her with anything that had a pulse. With each phrase she spat out, I kept shrinking in repulsion, which only seemed to make her stronger. Her voice got louder, and louder, and louder. At a point when it seemed sure that her voice would burst my eardrums, my friend walked over and stood over top of me. Dawn stopped her ranting. My friend looked me in the face as I begged her for help, begged her to tell Dawn that these things weren’t true, that I was a good person. Instead, her face turned unbearably mean, and this is what she said: “How could you do these things? You’ve lied to me all along, and I’m with Dawn. I will never speak to you again.” I tried to scream out, tried to stop her from leaving and I could not. Dawn and her turned their backs, and they walked off. I closed my eyes, and felt as though I was falling through the world.



I awoke next in bed with Dawn. She was curled up next to me sleeping, the way that we used to do. It was very peaceful. She woke up, turned to look at me, immediately screamed and ran out the door. Confused, I ran after her. She screamed as I ran after her, grabbing her cell phone and calling the police on the way. I tried to ask her what was wrong, why she was doing this, and she just kept insulting me, telling me to stay away from her, how dare I allow her to sleep with me, how dare I think that everything could possibly be fine after everything I had done. (In this stage, I had no knowledge of the divorce, or that there were any problems at all.) Very confused, I tried to find out what was wrong, I tried to apologize for anything and everything. Anything to make her stop yelling. Anything to fix the problems and go on as we had. I really had no clue what was happening. She paused a moment, looked at me with tears in her eyes, and reached out her hand. As I reached for it, pitch black came over me, and I never grasped her hand.

Again falling. And falling. Pitch black, and falling. Falling forever. Voices telling me that I am a hypocrite. Telling me that I am an evil person for what I did to her. Telling me that she was right to leave, and that I deserve everything I got. Telling me that I am worthless as a human being, that everything I touch turns to shit. Asking me why I tried so hard to be a good person when I didn’t mean any of it. Asking me why I tried so hard when no one really noticed. Asking why I tried so hard when the rest of the world really didn’t care. Asking why I tried so hard when I just got stepped on, and disappointed, and hurt. Telling me that it’s all really not worth the trouble, and that I am a fool for trying. Telling me that my life’s destiny is to be hurt at every turn. Telling me that no one will ever live up to the standard that I have set for myself. Telling me that I will be eternally disappointed. Telling me that I will always want those things and people that I can never, ever have, and that as a result I will always be unhappy. Telling me to give it up, to stop trying so hard.

Still falling, falling, falling.


And then I am awake, sweating hard. I feel like I’ve run a marathon. My breathing is hard, my pulse is racing. I throw the covers off my bed, displacing an unhappy cat in the process, put my feet on the floor, and take a shower. I am shaking everywhere, hands, feet, legs, arms, you name it. I can’t stop for a good 10 minutes as the water runs over my head. I cry for a bit, so shaken by these dreams.

I leave for work, completely absorbed in my thoughts. Not until the six words post this morning could I really speak to anyone. Luckily I had no early call this morning.

I have no idea what these dreams mean.

Six Words

Nightmares Horrible Dawn Karen Terror Exhausted

6 words

Nightmares Horrible Dawn Wake Up Exhausted

Blank

I really have nothing to post. What an odd day it was.

So Darlene's brother gets into an accident this morning, and is in the ICU this evening. Severe head trauma. If he recovers, which isn't a certainty at this point, he will be permanently different.

I have trouble conceiving this. While never particularly fond of the kid, I don't comprehend how this happened.

I cannot put myself into those shoes, no matter how hard I try, and that's something I feel like I can do pretty well normally. It bothers me that I can't comprehend what life would be like without cogent thought. Or worse, with cogent thought but no way to express it.

If there is a hell, that must be it. For me at least.

I hope it does not come to that for Johnny.

There are not words entirely for what I feel right now. Empathy is a bitch sometimes.

My aches and pains and upcoming surgery pale in comparision. They aren't even worth discussing, let alone worrying about right now.

Sunday

Alright, full edited update since long posts are impossible from the phone.

So, after an exhuasting Saturday and failure to sleep again Saturday night, I was up at 7:30 Sunday morning to begin again. I went through and put the finishing touches on the house.

I moved the furniture to the best places for the various pieces for lots of people at the house. I dusted everything, ran the vacuum. I finished up some laundry and got it put away.

I got out the fancy comforter that goes with the paint color in my room, changed sheets, put out the homemade quilt for the bed.

I got my homemade soup out of the fridge and got it going. I lit some scented candles downstairs and upstairs. I took trash out of all the rooms.

I basically made the place as perfect as I could get it.

People started arriving at 1. By the time everyone was there, we had perhaps 35 people. I made myself a good host, and made sure things ran smoothly. I took people on tours of the house, got drinks, food, etc.

I answered a BAJILLION questions regarding my dating status or lack thereof. I endured snide comments from Kris and D as usual regarding that as well.

And then they were all gone. Things seemed to go well, so I'll see what everyone said tonight when I talk to my mom. She's great about finding out things for me. I got no negatives from people that were there yesterday, so that's a good sign. My mother's family is so ridiculously obsessed with that "in vogue" bullshit that I was nervous as to what they thought the whole time yesterday. Not for myself understand, because I don't care. It's more for mom's sake, as she's the one that has to talk to them, and she likes rubbing it in their faces that we are different and we do just fine. We aren't the Abercrombie cutouts that Janie's kids are, we aren't the upper-middle class snobs that everyone else seems to be.

I like it just fine, and I just hope that I impressed enough to give mom some breathing room.

Weekend of Work

So this weekend was all about working around the house. Brother insisted on a birthday party at the house for Chloe, so family all got invited plus friends and whatnot. Now, most of my family has never been to my house for whatever reason, so that meant lots of cleaning to really try to impress the catty aunts I have.

Friday was relaxing at least. I hung out with the Kung Fu people, and my friend Greg and his new girl Ling Ling came over to meet us. They've been back from China since Thursday, so they were pretty beat yet, but it was nice to see them. Ling Ling's english is pretty good, and she seemed to be pretty nice from what I could tell.

Saturday was all about cleaning. I was expecting help that I never got, since Kris and D decided to go out and about all day. So I did what I could by myself (which is a lot) and then when they got home I refused to help anymore. However, all that work left me way too tired to contemplate doing anything else. Plus, I've had to stop taking anything for my foot with the surgery ten days away, so lots of fun and pain all around.

I'll post about Sunday here shortly. I've got a call to run to real quick.

Well

Well, I'm really trying not to be too down about the China trip getting postponed. I'm trying to find good ways to look at it, and other than not having the pain I've been having, I'm finding that difficult.

I was pretty down until I had lunch with Karen. As always, my mood was much lighter after a good talk at lunch. So thanks Karen :). Everyone should be as lucky as we are to have such a good friendship.

I've been doing a bit too much of just about everything recently, and I think it's starting to wear on me a bit. I think trying to see the surgery as some much needed rest is a good thing, and I'm going to try to do that.

Drop

So I went to the doctor today. I have to have surgery on my ankle.

Here's the kicker, and the reason I won't be able to go to China this year. In order to have this surgery, I have to take a week off work. I can't take the week off work and still be able to have the time I need to go to China. So this sucks. I can choose to have my ankle fixed and not be in constant pain, or I can choose to go to China.


I told you I felt like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, so there it is.


I so hate it when I'm right.




I'll post more when I'm not so down about this.

The other shoe........

..............has dropped. I'll go into detail soon.

Doctor Today

So I'n sitting in the waiting room at Cincinnati Sports Medicine in Clifton. I'm finally having my foot looked at. I will be happy to finally have no pain once this gets all taken care of.

I'm a little nervous that he's going to tell me there is a lot more damage than we thought.

I can believe how many people are waiting here. There must be 50 people waiting to see this doctor.

Grrr

Mind won't shut off right now. I think two weekends in a row with work on one of the two days has gotten to me a bit.

I feel a bit overwhelmed I guess.

I've also spent more of my tax return than I should have. It has been on things I needed to do for whatever reason, but still..... at least June is a 3 paycheck month.

I absolutely hate watching money so closely. I am hoping that I can get a decent raise come May. Although I know they are happy with the work I do, since we are so small, I really don't expect a huge raise. I'd frankly be happy with cost of living, although I'd really like a little more than that.

Whew

Long day. Up late last night working until midnight, then worked a very full day today. Some of it outside in the lovely 40's and damp weather today. It was a neat project, but I just wasn't ready for that today. Went to class, of course, afterwards so pretty tired.

I have a few things to think about. I got to work last night with Jeff, and we talked about some things. We had a decent discussion, though the work at hand did keep it from being overlong.

They are very happy with what I've done so far, and they want to make sure that I'm happy as well. And it really feels genuine, which is a switch from what I've come to expect really. To that effect, it looks like they are going to give me all the days off I've asked about for China. And that's without my urging, just with an explanation that I felt like this would be a once in a lifetime trip for me. I even offered to take time off without pay if it was better for the company.

So I get to go to Florida with my family for a week in April.

Then I get to go to China June 1st through 12th. (Assuming passports work out and the like of course)

I'm still holding my breath, waiting for something to go wrong................

Roses

So, once of my pet projects around my house is my rose bushes. I have somewhat of a green thumb, and especially so for roses. (This makes my mother jealous, as she has horrible luck with them.)

I have a rose bush outside my back door that my mother planted before I was born. It's an old fashion Blaze climber that gets unique purlplish flowers on it. When I moved into my house, it was given to me, as it wasn't doing particularly well at mom's (never got more than about 3 or 4 ft tall, pretty much never bloomed, etc.), and we though it would be neat to see how it did.

It turned into a monster. It has a dozen good branches, each at least 10ft long. Last spring I had nearly 4 dozen blossoms on it by the time it was done blooming.

It's gotten so large I have to move it this spring, as it gets in the way of the back door. I'm going to try to get it moved today I think, while it's still dormant. I've got to find a pair of gloves first so that I don't donate half my blood to it in the process. (Although some will tell you that good roses require such a blood sacrifice to grow well, and I'm inclined to believe it.)

I'll take some pictures when I get it moved and it blooms.

Jack ass

So, when it comes down to crunch time, I just can't deliver. I had a whole night to talk to the person I'm interested in, and I couldn't think of a damn thing to say. Besides the fact that she was much more interested in one of the instructors that she used to live with, I just couldn't get it together.

I had a horrible case of the spills. I spilled drinks twice, which is two more times than I've spilled a drink in the past 9 months. I could think of nothing to say to her to try to start a conversation, so I just drank more to drown it out.

I'm sure I was a complete jackass all night, and I totally ruined any remote chance I had in the first place.

Maybe since I don't flirt with any women that are available I've lost any touch I once had in the past.

Maybe I'm fooling myself into thinking I have any clue what I'm doing anymore.

Maybe I'm fooling myself into thinking there is someone out there that can see past my stupid outside to what lives inside. I can't seem to show that person at the most important times, only to the people that already know who I really am and don't care anymore.


Bah, why do I feel 15 again and have no idea what to say to women anymore?

These are the times I want to go live in a monastery and forget all about this stuff.

Sleep

I'm having a hard time sleeping again. This time not only am I having trouble falling asleep, I'm having trouble staying asleep. Last night is a perfect example. I was really tired when I got home, so I did what I needed to do, then decided to try go to sleep early. I went to bed at 9:30PM, intending to read a chapter in my book and go to sleep.

I read that chapter, turned the light off, tried to sleep. No luck, completely wired. I tossed and turned, tried relaxation excersises, whatever. I FINALLY drifted off to sleep at 1:30AM.


At 5:45AM I woke up, completely awake. Tried going back to sleep, that wasn't happening. So I showered, dressed, and came into work. I got some stuff done at least, but still.


Why is it really starting to seem that as I age I need less and less sleep? Before the divorce I had no problem sleeping until 11AM or later on weekends. Especially if I was partying the night before. Now it's 7:30 or 8AM that I can't sleep past, even if I don't get home until 3:30 or 4AM, as I've done the past 3 weekends.


The stupid thing is that I have more energy now than I have in a very long time. How weird is that? Maybe I just need a good woman to keep me in bed in the mornings, maybe that'll do it...........

Grateful

What an interesting night it has been.

I went to BW3's after class tonight to hang out with everyone. The conversation turned pretty serious, talking about religion and personal stuff pretty quickly. I made the point that I really try to live my life in a good way, treating other people the way that I want to be treated, even if it sucks to do it or whatever. I didn't feel this was necessarily religious or anything, but simply the way I try to live my life. I made the point that if I have made even one person's life better or easier in some way, then I feel like I've accomplished something.

In front of 6 other people, I had a friend (Brian) stand up and tell people that I am the only person he knows that has done something good or right even when I knew it would hurt me (or my marriage) in the process. He can't possibly know how much it means to me to know that someone recognizes that.

The fact that this was in front of a group of people that I am just getting to know means a lot. I feel like all the heartache and trouble I've been through means something. For someone searching for some meaning in their life, this is a gift beyond words to describe it.

It was all I could do not to cry honestly. I've made a difference somewhere, and someone noticed.

Waiting............

So many good things have happened recently, I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have such horrible luck normally, good things just don't happen to me without a measure of bad things thrown in. So I feel like I'm waiting for it to happen..........