Nightmares in detail

So here is the story of the nightmares last night. I will go into as much detail as possible, though there are some things I will leave out for modesty’s sake and so as not to embarrass certain people.

The night’s dreams started out just fine. Rather wonderful as a matter of fact. I was engaged in some rather intense, shall we say, loveplay with someone very important to me in my life right now. Although inappropriate in real life, it was wonderful in the dream. That’s all I’ll really say about that right now. If someone really wants details, they can ask, I hide nothing ;).



Then things turned dark. The bedroom turned into my yard, and instead of light and warm, it got colder, and it started to rain. The person I had been with was nowhere to be found. I stumbled around, unable to find what I was looking for. I can’t say for sure if I was looking for someone or something. I think it was someone, as I called her name several times with no response. The really odd thing was that there was no sound outside. No birds, no cars, no normal neighborhood noises. Everything was quiet. It was dark as if a storm was close but not quite here yet. I walked around to the front of the house, and instead of my car in the driveway, it was Dawn’s car. Now this was odd, since I believed in the dream we had been divorced for 3 years. My heart lept into my chest. I ran inside, to find her in the normal position I always found her when I came home. Curled up on the couch watching reruns of Star Trek.

Obviously something here wasn’t right. Part of me wanted this to be real, and part of me wanted to run quickly. I said hello, and she turned and looked at me and asked what I was sorry for this time. I was confused, and I couldn’t answer her. I asked what I should be sorry for. She said “You know”. I said “No, I don’t.”

At that moment, the person I had been with earlier came down the stairs. Wow, talk about a shock. She froze halfway down the stairs, and Dawn sat up, turned around, then started yelling at the both of us. Every insult you can think that a woman can throw at a man was thrown around, by both women directed towards me. They looked at one another, seemed to nod, and both advanced towards me. I backed up towards what I thought was the door, but I couldn’t open it. It wasn’t locked you understand, it wasn’t there anymore. They got closer, and closer, and finally Dawn reached out and slapped me full in the face. As I reeled from the hit, they got in closer. One of them tripped me, and both started kicking me as hard as possible. I remember everything fading to black…………….


When I awoke I was in the person that I started the night with’s yard. (Yes, odd sentence I know.) Again, it was dusk, and it was chilly. I stumbled around the yard feeling drunk. Drunk to the point of almost passing out, but still aware of my surroundings. I noticed a fire back towards the end of the yard. I approached the fire. As I did, I noticed my friend sitting there crying. As I approached to find out what the matter was, Dawn stepped in front of me again. Startled, I jumped back. And tripped over a log. Dawn stood over me, and challenged me to prove that I was a good person. She challenged me to prove that I was worth being with. I began to recount the good things that I have done with my life. I have given shelter to friends in need, to my and my marriage’s detriment. I am always there for my friends. I answer my phone when no one else will. I ALWAYS listen to a friend when they need a shoulder to cry on. I always am there for any friend that needs me. Every instance I gave was thrown back in my face and twisted so that it appeared self-serving and evil. I was accused of doing these things specifically to hurt her. I was accused of stomping on our wedding vows in order to further whatever whim took me at the time. I was accused of trying to turn her into a whore. I was accused of cheating on her with anything that had a pulse. With each phrase she spat out, I kept shrinking in repulsion, which only seemed to make her stronger. Her voice got louder, and louder, and louder. At a point when it seemed sure that her voice would burst my eardrums, my friend walked over and stood over top of me. Dawn stopped her ranting. My friend looked me in the face as I begged her for help, begged her to tell Dawn that these things weren’t true, that I was a good person. Instead, her face turned unbearably mean, and this is what she said: “How could you do these things? You’ve lied to me all along, and I’m with Dawn. I will never speak to you again.” I tried to scream out, tried to stop her from leaving and I could not. Dawn and her turned their backs, and they walked off. I closed my eyes, and felt as though I was falling through the world.



I awoke next in bed with Dawn. She was curled up next to me sleeping, the way that we used to do. It was very peaceful. She woke up, turned to look at me, immediately screamed and ran out the door. Confused, I ran after her. She screamed as I ran after her, grabbing her cell phone and calling the police on the way. I tried to ask her what was wrong, why she was doing this, and she just kept insulting me, telling me to stay away from her, how dare I allow her to sleep with me, how dare I think that everything could possibly be fine after everything I had done. (In this stage, I had no knowledge of the divorce, or that there were any problems at all.) Very confused, I tried to find out what was wrong, I tried to apologize for anything and everything. Anything to make her stop yelling. Anything to fix the problems and go on as we had. I really had no clue what was happening. She paused a moment, looked at me with tears in her eyes, and reached out her hand. As I reached for it, pitch black came over me, and I never grasped her hand.

Again falling. And falling. Pitch black, and falling. Falling forever. Voices telling me that I am a hypocrite. Telling me that I am an evil person for what I did to her. Telling me that she was right to leave, and that I deserve everything I got. Telling me that I am worthless as a human being, that everything I touch turns to shit. Asking me why I tried so hard to be a good person when I didn’t mean any of it. Asking me why I tried so hard when no one really noticed. Asking why I tried so hard when the rest of the world really didn’t care. Asking why I tried so hard when I just got stepped on, and disappointed, and hurt. Telling me that it’s all really not worth the trouble, and that I am a fool for trying. Telling me that my life’s destiny is to be hurt at every turn. Telling me that no one will ever live up to the standard that I have set for myself. Telling me that I will be eternally disappointed. Telling me that I will always want those things and people that I can never, ever have, and that as a result I will always be unhappy. Telling me to give it up, to stop trying so hard.

Still falling, falling, falling.


And then I am awake, sweating hard. I feel like I’ve run a marathon. My breathing is hard, my pulse is racing. I throw the covers off my bed, displacing an unhappy cat in the process, put my feet on the floor, and take a shower. I am shaking everywhere, hands, feet, legs, arms, you name it. I can’t stop for a good 10 minutes as the water runs over my head. I cry for a bit, so shaken by these dreams.

I leave for work, completely absorbed in my thoughts. Not until the six words post this morning could I really speak to anyone. Luckily I had no early call this morning.

I have no idea what these dreams mean.